Melania Trump’s New White House Rose Garden Ready For Climactic Horror Movie Scene

White House
Melania Trump’s New White House Rose Garden Ready For Climactic Horror Movie Scene

Barack Obama couldn't confirm a Supreme Court justice during his last year in office, but 45th Lady Melania Trump decided she'd renovate the White House Rose Garden when her husband is down 10 points weeks before the election.

The finished product was revealed this weekend, and it's terrible. Everything Melania Trump does is terrible. You almost feel sorry for someone who sucks so badly at anything more complex than breathing air, but no one forced her to destroy something beautiful like she was the deranged narrator from Fight Club. The Rose Garden is barely a garden now. It's a big yard, the grounds of a cemetery where good taste is buried. Throughout its history, the Rose Garden was colorful and horticulturally diverse. You can lead Melania Trump to culture but you can't make her think about diversity.

The flowers in the garden are mostly cool pastels, which Trump prefers. There are taller white master race roses, ostensibly in honor of Pope John Paul II. A sitting area where Barack Obama held his infamous “beer summit" was removed. Trump plans to put in an “art installation." I think Dr. Jill Biden will put back the patio furniture.

Trump had about a dozen crabapple trees removed because they were casting too much shade. Who doesn't like shade? But it was apparently bad for the flowers. The trees will be replanted elsewhere on the grounds.

There's now a three-foot wide limestone walking path bordering the central lawn. The space is also more wheelchair accessible, so good on Melania Trump for that, at least.

Although Trump's design isn't to my personal tastes, it's possible that other people might dig her austere, Soviet Realism-inspired cries for help. I still have nightmares about the Halloween Hell House she inflicted on us for Christmas 2017.

She went full Shining for Christmas 2018.

Nothing puts you into the holiday spirit quicker than the Christmas tree forest of the damned.

The revamp was reportedly intended to "fulfill the dynamic needs of the modern presidency," and electrical upgrades were made for Trump's impromptu hate rallies. Melania Trump will deliver her Republican National Convention speech from the garden on Tuesday. That will also suck because she'll have to say something positive-sounding about Donald Trump. The GOP literally has no other platform.

When she announced this project in June, she struggled to sell us on flowers and dirt, both of which have a broader base of support than the president.

MELANIA TRUMP: The very act of planting a garden involves hard work and hope in the possibility of a bright future. Preserving the history and beauty of the White House and its grounds is a testament to our nation's commitment to the care of this landscape and our dedication to American ideals, safeguarding them for our children and their children for generations to come.

It's unclear if she'd even met a flower prior to this.

Delivering a campaign speech from the Rose Garden is possibly illegal, but arguably more in the “jaywalking" section of the administration's ongoing “arson, murder, and jaywalking" offenses.

Private donations funded the renovation, which might seem preferable to the Mock First Lady uglifying the Rose Garden on the taxpayer's dime. However, there's no transparency with private money. The White House won't say how much this all cost or even provide an estimate. Yeah, that doesn't seem entirely on the up and up.

For now, let's just remember when decent people lived at the White House and do everything we can to make sure decent people reside there again. Just 71 days to go.

White House Rose Garden, ca. 4 April

[Chicago Sun-Times / CNN]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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