Melania Trump’s RNC Speech Will Contain 50 Percent More Of Her Own Words Or Your Money Back!


Tuesday is Melania Trump's big night at the Republican National Convention, and according to the Washington Post, the Trump campaign hopes she can be "its secret weapon." Yes, that Melania Trump.

The Trump campaign privately concedes that Trump is struggling with “suburban women," which the president assumes are all white housewives. That's not true, and he's not exactly charming the aprons off the June Cleaver demo, either. During an event celebrating women's suffrage Monday, Melania Trump raved about her husband's record with women. Ha! No, she actually sort of robotically recited words without any emotional connection to them, as if she were recording a hostage video.

MELANIA TRUMP: Since taking office, my husband and this administration have taken historic measures to empower and support women in the United States — and around the world.


The Post suggests that Trump's big speech tonight is her “redemption" moment, after she ripped off Michelle Obama's words for her 2016 RNC speech. She's working closely on her 2020 remarks with Kellyanne Conway, who's leaving the White House next week, and her chief of staff, Stephanie Grisham, who's an idiot.

Grisham even offers a "no-plagiarism-this-time" guarantee! That's truly “be best.”

Trying to hype a Melania Trump speech by telling us it's going to longer than usual is like selling an extended director's cut edition of a lousy movie we walked out of the first time.

The speech reportedly won't get into policy details, so it's not that different from most of the other RNC rants. She's expected to discuss her own story as a “good" (white) immigrant. The president has denounced what assholes call “chain migration," but since his election, Melania has used that very system to gain legal status for her parents and sister. This should contrast nicely with her husband putting “bad" (brown) immigrant children in cages.

The contrived Melania Trump who play-acts as first lady every once in a while is less interesting than the actual, petty AF Melania Trump, who got Deputy National Security Advisor Mira Ricardel fired. Next week, a dishy book is dropping from Stephanie Winston Wolkoff (yes, that's her real name), a former friend of Melania's who helped run Trump's sad little inauguration ceremony. Melania and Me: The Rise and Fall of My Friendship With The First Lady (yes, that's its real title, and yes that link gives Wonkette a cut) is billed as "the funny, thrilling, and heartbreaking story of [Wolkoff's] intimate friendship with one of the most famous women in the world," which is presumably Melania Trump.

Wolkoff reportedly pulled a Linda Tripp on Melania and recorded her trashing Donald and Ivanka Trump, who are both terrible so we'll allow it. In New York and some other states, only one member of a conversation has to consent to being taped. That seems questionable, but I don't write the laws. I just want to hear what Melania says about Ivanka when she's not around. Yr Editrix wisely forbids “Trump fucks his daughter" jokes because molestation and abuse aren't actually funny, but if Melania went on a V.C. Andrews riff, then that's just reporting the news.

According to journalist Yashar Ali, Wolkoff might've recorded these conversation using audiotapes, and if that's true, how fucking dumb is Melania Trump? Who among us hasn't accidentally recorded a 10-minute video of the inside of our pocket on our iPhone? But Wolkoff brought some old-school Sony tape recorder to their happy hours?

Wolkoff's friendship with Melania Trump fell apart when she was set up as the fall guy for the disastrous inauguration. Her company was paid $26 million for the poorly attended shit show, but losing access to the first lady was a major blow professionally.

Now she's out for blood! Or something like that. Wolkoff will reveal how Melania Trump reacted when she learned about Trump's past pussy grabbing on the Access Hollywood tape, but we figure she always knew he was gross. That doesn't interest us as much as what she might say about Ivanka Trump's spotlight chasing.

Come back here later tonight to watch something else other than Melania Trump's speech.

Melania Trump Rates The President's Performance At His Tulsa Rally Debacle

[The Washington Post / The New York Daily News]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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