Mellissa Carone Ain’t Quarantining And You Can’t Make Her ... Now, Where’s Her Goddamn Fireball?


During Rudy Giuliani's cross-country COVID-19 superspreader tour last week, America's most racist mayor sat next to the breakout star of Donald Trump's attempted coup, Mellissa Carone, who is totally a real person.

On Dec. 2, Carone performed a solid 30-minute comedy set before Michigan state lawmakers. Neither she nor Giuliani wore masks. She later posted for photos with Trump's “elite squad" leader, and health officials believe it's “extremely" likely that he was contagious at the time. He's also repulsive even when not infected with COVID-19, so it's just a smart move to avoid close contact in general.

The Ingham County Health Department ordered anyone at the BS hearings who was exposed to Giuliani's grossness for more than 15 minutes to self-quarantine. Carone, naturally, has declined. She told the Washington Post in a phone interview that she was “living her life normally and had no plans to change that." A state judge ruled that Carone wasn't a “credible witness" to alleged “voter fraud," and I have ruled that she isn't a credible witness to a “normal" life.

Carone isn't worried about having contracted the virus or spreading it to anyone during happy hour. But Dear Leader Donald Trump could move her to possibly give a damn about public health.

CARONE: I would take it seriously if it came from Trump, because Trump cares about American lives.

The evidence for such a claim is lacking.

She won't listen to health officials but if the talking bobbleheads on “Trump-friendly" state media such as Newsmax or OAN tell her to get tested, she'd do it.

CARONE: It is not that I don't believe in getting tested. I don't trust the tests.


So, this kook was the Trump campaign's “star witness," and it doesn't help her credibility that she considers Giuliani "one of the most respectful, polite, just down-to-earth people I have ever met. He is great." That is objectively untrue. Even Giuliani's daughter realizes he's an asshole.

It's since been revealed that barely two months before Carone worked at the Detroit election center, she'd completed a year's probation after she pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in Wayne County. (She probably was let off with just a fine for the needless extra “L" in “Mellissa.")

She was charged with sending videos of herself and her then-boyfriend banging to his ex-wife, which is rude. According to court records, Carone and her boyfriend harassed his ex for years. Couples should have common interests, but this crossed the line.

Giuliani has grossly claimed that "93 percent of Blacks are shot by other Blacks" — he rarely refers to us as “people" — and that Barack Obama should've spent more time as president “training" Black people "to stop killing each other," as if that's something Obama might do in a MasterClass. However, he had no problem dragging out this lady with a Jerry Springer-inspired criminal record.

It's true Giuliani hates Black people, but he's also demonstrated contempt for the “wrong kind" of women. This is what he said about Stormy Daniels, who'd filed a defamation suit against Trump.

GIULIANI: I respect women — beautiful women and women with value — but a woman who sells her body for sexual exploitation I don't respect. Tell me what damage she suffered. Someone who sells his or her body for money has no good name.

In fairness, Carone didn't sell her homemade sex tapes. She shared them for free. I thought Giuliani believed in free market enterprise?

Carone also lied to Michigan lawmakers about her educational background, specifically that she had one. She claimed she has a degree from the University of Michigan at Dearborn, but there's no record of her enrollment. She insists that she's just "four classes away" from a bachelor's degree at a school she won't name because she doesn't "want them to get harassed." That's fair. A crazy woman might send the school recordings of herself having sex.

She also testi-lied that she used to work at the Ford Motor Company. Her LinkedIn Page proudly displays a “Certificate of Recognition" from her contracting days at Ford. The company has no idea what she's talking about, much like everyone who watched her testimony last week.

Oh, and she swears she wasn't drunk at the hearing. She told “Inside Edition" that's “just my personality." She's my favorite person involved in Trump's coup.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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