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Michael Cohen is supposed to report to federal prison for his three-year sentence in almost exactly one month. Surprisingly, it seems that he'd like maybe to not do that, and he and his lawyer Lanny Davis have pulled a new rabbit out of a hat, thinking maybe if he helps Congress and prosecutors A WHOLE BUNCHES MORE, he should probably stay out of prison, don't you agree? He agrees.

So Cohen has suddenly found MILLIONS of new documents on a hard drive, and he's prepared to turn them over to Congress, which raises the question of how could he possibly be in prison if Democrats are busy looking at MILLIONS of new documents? What if they need to ask, "Hey, what does this document mean?" Gonna be hard to say "Oh that is just absolute collusion with Russians during the campaign and also the pee tape" through the glass at the federal pokey, now won't it? (To clarify: Michael Cohen does not have the pee tape. OR DOES HE?)

The deal, according to Cohen's counsel, in a letter they sent to congressional Democrats, is that the FBI just returned a hard drive to Cohen, and on it there are 14 MILLION DOCUMENTS. Obviously it will take more than a month for Cohen to look through all those docs and see which ones have Trump crimes in them, so he's gonna need to stay at home and do that in the jacuzzi. (Indeed, the letter says so far he's only been able to go through "less than 1 percent of the drive," so according to our back of the napkin math calculations, it's going to take him INFINITY MINUTES to look at the whole thing.) They seem to be just hoping that Democrats will tell the mean prosecutors at the Southern District of New York (SDNY) that Cohen is a very good boy, one they really need out of prison for the time being. And also, if it's not too much, can they ask the SDNY dicks to get the judge to reduce his sentence? And also, if it would be possible for him to ask for another thing, may he request a pony? And some Skittles?


From the letter:

"There is no doubt that Mr. Cohen's testimony, both public and private, has contributed substantially, with documents and other evidence, to triggering additional areas for investigation by law enforcement authorities and the Congress," the lawyers wrote. "He has done so despite intense personal pressures and stresses he faces for himself and his family. However, with 30 days left before he surrenders to prison, time is no longer a luxury he is capable of."

They added that they didn't send this letter to the Republicans, because the Republicans are assholes. (Slight paraphrase.)

Finally, Cohen's lawyers seek to remind Congress that out of everybody, Michael Cohen is the only one going to prison for doing crimes at Donald Trump's direction. Is that fair? IT IS A INJUSTICE!

Will this Hail Mary work? Dunno. Points for trying, though!

Would it sweeten the pot if Michael Cohen told you there were TAPES on that hard drive? LORDY, DO YOU WANT TAPES?

Along with the letter, Cohen's lawyers attached 133 pages (a 12 page memo and a million pages of exhibits), summarizing all the stuff Cohen has told Congress so far, including all the receipts backing up the crimes Cohen accused Trump of in his must see TV public testimony. Included in there is their determination that, no matter what Bill Barr says Robert Mueller says, Cohen absolutely has provided evidence of a conspiracy to collude with Russia during the 2016 campaign, citing what is likely Trump's foreknowledge of his dumbass son Junior's June 9, 2016, Trump Tower meeting with the Russians; Trump's foreknowledge through Roger Stone of the WikiLeaks dumps on Hillary Clinton; and a whole fuckton of obstruction of justice.

Oh yeah, and there's the whole matter of the Trump Tower Moscow project, which Trump lied about on the campaign trail (NO RUSSIA! NO RUSSIAN DEALS!), which Cohen says Trump "encouraged" him to lie about to Congress by using "code language" to make sure everybody was on the same page that NO RUSSIA. Oh yeah, and it says Cohen's pretty sure Ivanka Trump knew he lied to Congress.

BuzzFeed highlights this footnote, in BuzzFeed's copy of the documents, for obvious reasons:

"This is not far off the words used by the BuzzFeed reporters -- that Trump "directed" Cohen to lie in his congressional testimony ..."

LOL, BuzzFeed is a dog with a bone and they are not letting this go.

Remember how BuzzFeed reported that Trump told Michael Cohen to lie to Congress, then Robert Mueller's office was like "WHOA THERE" and BuzzFeed was like "WHOA THERE YOURSELF"? Cohen and his lawyers are just reconfirming that yeah, Trump told him to lie to Congress, in his own Trumpy way.

There is so much more in that appendix of documents, so if you want some weekend reading, have fun! (Like we said, it's 133 pages total!) It notes that Cohen implicated Trump in "at least 10 or more federal and state crimes," and did they mention he's also been helping with investigations into all these other things, like the Trump inauguration, including in New York state?

Golly, Michael Cohen's been a good boy! Heavens to both Betsy and Murgatroyd, if there's a better boy out there, Michael Cohen has not met that boy!

And Mister Good Boy has 14 MILLION MORE DOCUMENTS to go through! WITH TAPES!

Now, about that "not going to prison" thing ...

[New York Times / Cohen lawyer letter / memo and exhibits]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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