Michael Cohen Reportedly Being Robert Mueller's VERY GOOD BOY!
WHO'S A GOOD BOY? WHO'S A GOOD BOY?
It's Michael Cohen!
We regret to inform you that Donald Trump's very shitty week continues to get shittier, as late Thursday news broke that a certain guy who used to say he would take a bullet for Trump, and who used to call Trump MISTURRRRR TWUMP, has a new best friend, and it is special counsel Robert Mueller! (No word on whether or not Cohen calls him MISTURRRRR MULLAH, but we're going to guess the answer is obviously.)
Cohen, you will remember, already pleaded guilty in the Southern District of New York to EIGHT COUNTS of tax evasion, bank fraud and campaign finance violations, and in those latter charges, which pertain to illegal payoffs to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal to cover up affairs with Trump, Cohen stood in the courtroom and implicated the president of the United States as the person who directed him to commit the crimes, which is where Trump got his new nickname, which is President Yeti Pubes. No wait, dangit, we are mixing things up. He became Yeti Pubes because of his big forest of Yeti Pubes and Cohen's plea made him PRESIDENT UNINDICTED CO-CONSPIRATOR.
Mueller had punted that investigation over to SDNY, but we always suspected he was still investigating quite a bit of NO COLLUSION related to Cohen's involvement in the Russia conspiracy, and it turns out that is precisely what Cohen has been talking to Mueller about over what's reported to be days of questioning:
The special counsel's questioning of Cohen, one of the president's closest associates over the past decade, has focused primarily on all aspects of Trump's dealings with Russia -- including financial and business dealings and the investigation into alleged collusion with Russia by the Trump campaign and its surrogates to influence the outcome of the 2016 presidential election, sources familiar with the matter tell ABC News.
Investigators were also interested in knowing, the sources say, whether Trump or any of his associates discussed the possibility of a pardon with Cohen.
Yes, we would be curious about that as well.
As for the Russia stuff, Cohen's name has popped up a lot in Trump-Russia stories. First of all, remember the slush fund Cohen set up to pay for all of Trump's sex crimes? Weirdly, Cohen kept it open after the election and ended up taking "consulting" dollars, some of it from this Russian oligarch named Viktor Vekselberg. That's kinda weird, right?
Vekselberg is very close to Vladimir Putin, like most Russians in TrumpWorld, and Robert Mueller yanked his ass off a plane earlier this year to ask him what kinda Naughty Naughty he was doing with Michael Cohen.
There's the thing about that failed Moscow Trump Tower deal (the second failed deal of that kind) that Cohen and his buddy Felix Sater were involved in trying to broker. They bragged over emails to each other that they, just two little thugs from Brooklyn, were going to elect a real live US American president! They were trying to work that deal during the 2016 campaign, as Trump was swearing up and down he had no business dealings with Russia. Trump insisted he didn't even know Cohen was working that deal, which is weird because Trump signed a letter of intent late in 2015, which seems to suggest he was at least looped in a little bit.
What's strange about the emails between Cohen and Sater is that they were talking a lot about how to "get Putin's buy-in" and whatnot, but they didn't seem to be talking too deeply about any sort of skyscraper in Moscow. What were they really getting Putin's buy-in for? DUN DUN "LAW & ORDER" NOISE!
An interesting detail about the "Trump Tower Moscow" deal, which might have been cover for another kind of deal, is that when it was failing, Cohen reached out to Dmitry Peskov, who is basically the Sarah Huckabee Sanders of the Kremlin (nobody serves him chicken dinners either), as a sort of Hail Mary to try to salvage it. We note this because, according to the FAKE DEMOCRAT DOSSIER OF DEMOCRATS, Peskow was the guy in charge of all the dirt Russia had on Hillary Clinton. Indeed, he is referred to as the "main protagonist" of that operation.
Do also note that Cohen is described in the dossier as the one who came in after Paul Manafort's weird Ukrainian/Russian ties were exposed during the campaign, for the purpose of cleaning up all of Manafort's messes. That's where the story of Michael Cohen going to Prague came in, though he protested that his passport clearly showed he was upstate in Schenectady the whole time. (LIES: passports don't show trips to Schenectady. Also lies because that wasn't actually Cohen's excuse, but rather a thing Wonkette made up right now.)
Early this year McClatchy reported that Mueller has evidence Cohen did indeed go to Prague around that time, as the dossier alleges. Nobody else ever corroborated that report, but if it's true, it could be WHOA IF TRUE, because the dossier specifically says Cohen had discussions in Prague about how to "process deniable payments" to Russian operatives and hackers who were part of the operation. (It refers also to Romanian hackers, but hell, it was 2016, and everybody was calling them "Romanian hackers." Now we know it was just Russian military intelligence pretending to be Romanian!)
Our point is that Cohen probably has a lot to talk to Mueller about! And he's being an incredibly cooperative good boy. We should point out, though, that Cohen is not doing this as a full cooperating witness -- in other words, he's not doing this because Mueller is making a deal with him, but just because he's in the mood to spill shit on Donald Trump, we guess. Can't imagine why, considering how Trump has treated him like shit pretty much every day since the election.
Here is another tidbit for ya:
ABC News has also learned that Cohen is also cooperating with a separate probe by New York state authorities into the inner workings of the Trump family charity and the Trump Organization, where Cohen served as an executive vice president and special counsel to Trump for 10 years.
OH MAN, he is just helping out everywhere, on federal crimes and state crimes and all the rest! What a very good boy!
Last night, we learned on Twitter from Michael Cohen and his lawyer Lanny Davis also too, about what a good boy Michael Cohen was being:
And now Lanny Davis:
LANNY, YOU HAVE TO LOG OUT OF MICHAEL'S ACCOUNT BEFORE YOU SEND TWEETS ABOUT WHAT A GOOD BOY MICHAEL IS.
Cool, whatever, we do not have time for how these morons don't understand how to use Twitter.
Point is, Michael Cohen is a VERY GOOD BOY and if we were Donald Trump or one of the Trump children, we doubt we'd be sleeping very well right now, knowing Daddy's longtime fixer thug "lawyer" has all these new law enforcement BFFs.
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