Michael Flynn Knows How Excited We All Are To Put A Tracking Device Under His Skin

Michael Flynn Knows How Excited We All Are To Put A Tracking Device Under His Skin

There was a time when the only time you heard about a "New World Order" was when some weirdo sat next to you on the bus, or when you found yourself on a Tinder date with some guy who is super into wrestling. Or upon meeting someone who was rather confused about who sang "Bizarre Love Triangle." This is no longer that time. As much as it's all been thoroughly mocked in the past, there are a bunch of people out there taking it all kinds of seriously. And while they're no less moonbatty than our hypothetical bus seat partner, there are more of them. Many, many more.

One of them, it should not surprise you, is Michael Flynn. In an interview this weekend with Dave (no confirmed last name) of X22Report — a very intense QAnon/conspiracy site and podcast — Flynn expounded on a thing he is very sure is going to happen. What is that thing, you ask? Under the skin trackers! Yep. George Soros, it turns out, is in cahoots with Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab of the World Economic Forum, and together they are going to put trackers under your skin and then like ... see where you are going and what have you! I guess. Because oh boy, how very riveting and completely different from having a smartphone that would be.

Especially when you just know that the people wigging out about this kind of crap are probably also the last people still using FourSquare.

Flynn explained that this was definitely not a conspiracy theory, and that "these are real people, these are real things."

"They have an intent to have a New World Order." he continued, with a straight face. "They have an intent to track every single one of us, and they use it under the skin. They use a means by which it's under the skin."

Like when you microchip a dog? Sure. That exists. That's a thing. Probably doesn't mean Rover has the mark of the beast though.

But on top of that, he said, "the Department of Commerce is gonna come out with an identification card of some type that’s gonna require people to not only operate in the commercial space, but to function alongside the department of Homeland Security where it becomes a security function as well."

And also, according to Flynn, you'll need it to vote. In fact, that's why we tricked conservatives into supporting voter ID laws -- so we can implement whatever it is this is supposed to be. It was so easy! We just had to tell them that such laws were racist, and they jumped right on the bandwagon. Muahahahahahaha. Now they'll have the mark of the beast and we'll be emotionally satisfied by that in some capacity.

I'm not totally sure how any of it is supposed to work, really. What I do know, however, is that these people are going to believe this nonsense no matter what we say or do, so probably we should just start fucking with them. Seriously, let's tell them "You know what? You caught us. We give up. You're now going to have to tattoo '666' on your forehead if you want to go to the grocery store. And we've actually already microchipped you — how do you think we know what you had for breakfast this morning, other than the fact that you posted it on Instagram? Hmmmm? Yeah, we're everywhere. And the power of 5G compels you to do our laundry. Oh! And the water actually is filled with special brainwashing fluoride — hope you don't mind being super dehydrated all of the time!"

Because honestly, it would just be more interesting than hearing these narcissists blathering on about how very desperately everyone wants to control them.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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