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Michele Bachmann Prays God Will Stop Hillary, Also Make News Slower So She Can Keep Up

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Sure, Republicans, try tostop Hillary Clinton from landsliding straight into the White House in 2016 with your BENGHAZIIIII!1 investimagations if you think that'll help (psst, it won't), but Rep. Michele Bachmann, who is on the House Intelligence Committee because God enjoys irony, has studied the Bible, which is sort of like God's FiveThirtyEight, and she has a much better idea:


If we repent, if we cry out to God, we have no idea what the Lord God will do for us in 2016.

Ah, well, we may have no idea what God comma The Lord will do, but Michele knows how to read between the lines, and she's pretty sure the in-between parts say He will not let Hillary become the president of us:

I don’t [worry] at all because I look at the story of David and Goliath, all David needed was one smooth stone to fell the giant. It wasn’t the stone, it wasn’t David, it was the strong right arm of a Holy God.

Of course, Michele might be confused because what with all the Stuff That Happens In The World, it is hard to keep up:

"We are in times that are unprecedented,” Bachmann said. “These are the times of birth pangs, we’re seeing the intensity of age and the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.”

Oh Lord, (let us cry out) if we repent, will you please stop Hillary and also make the news slower so Michele can get her mind about it? After all, she's just a simple caveman congresslady, and what with the rapidity of speed and all, it is so hard to know what to think about, you know, stuff. Like, okay, obviously the Bible is clear on immigration reform:

“It’s not when times are good, it’s when times are bad when you count your friends. I got to tell you, I’ve been shocked and appalled by the conservatives who have gotten on board this train of amnesty for illegal aliens; I’ve been absolutely floored."

The good book says that is a "political suicide journey," and suicide should be reserved for really important issues like trying to stop Obamacare. But that did not actually work so maybe Obamacare was God's plan all along? Who knows?

Heck, maybe Republicans should just stick to the Benghazi plan. Or repent harder.

[Right Wing Watch]

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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