Michele Bachmann Super Excited We're All Gonna Die And Go To Jesus Heaven Real Soon, Hooray!


Now that Michele Bachmann is retired, having saved America by giving it cheap gas, she has a lot of free time on her hands. And she certainly doesn't want to spend all of it shopping with Marcus for doggie sunglasses. So she's been hanging with her gal pal, radio host Jan Markell, talkin' 'bout girl stuff, like how God is cursing us with droughts and snowstorms and economic disasters because Obama is causing the End Times. SAD FACE.

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That was last week, and this week, it is even more seriouser:

We need to realize how close this clock is to getting toward the midnight hour, and I think that’s why for our sake, for the sake of our family, for the sake of our nation, for the next generations, we need to cry out to a holy God. This is coming faster than anyone can see. I worked very hard on the Intelligence Committee to try and keep up with what was happening in the world. It got to such a crescendo, I could hardly keep up with it anymore.

Silly us, we thought Bachmann's gig on the House Intelligence Committee was about spotting secret Muslim Brotherhood terrorists who work for Hillary Clinton, but it was really about watching us tick-tock toward End Times o'clock.

The events have picked up such pace, and are going to continue. It’s just like the Bible forewarned. In the last days, it will be like the beginning of birth pangs. In my opinion, we are far beyond the beginning of birth pangs. We’re moving far down into the process. For women who are listening to this show today, you know what I’m talking about.

Actually, nope, we do not know what Bachmann means exactly -- how the End Times hurt a whole lot if you try to natural childbirth it, we guess, so be sure to opt for the epidural? Please go on with that metaphor, it's great. Actually, please don't. Let's skip to the part where it is Obama's fault, shall we?

Barack Obama is intent -- it is his number one goal -- to ensure that Iran has a nuclear weapon. Why? Why would you put the nuclear weapon in the hands of madmen who are Islamic radicals, who believe it’s their religious duty to bomb Israel and to bomb the United States. That is where we’re headed right now.

Oy, crazy radical religious types with their crazy radical religious beliefs, right? What can we do about it, Ms. Actual Former Member of Congress?

The best thing that we can do is have churches and pastors explain our times. Believers need to get our lives right with God, and then we intercede. We intercede and intercede.

OK, assume we have interceded the holy shit out of ourselves. Then what? Cry? Beg for mercy? Buy plastic sheeting and duct tape?

And then not despair, but rejoice that we get to be living in the most exciting time in history. Prophets said we look to the future, we long to see those days and live in those days. Why? Because it’s the return of a soon and coming king.

Is it Elvis? Please say it is Elvis:

Jesus Christ is coming back! We, in our lifetimes, potentially could see Jesus Christ returning to Earth, the Rapture of the church. This is one of the most exciting times in history. We need to be exactly watching the tenor of the times, be observing, and look up. Our redemption draweth nigh.

Oh, happy day! Jesus is coming (good) because Obama is nuclear arming Iran (bad, but good actually), and we are drawething ever nigh to the end of the world (bad?), but in a good way (good?), but it is Obama's fault (bad, for sure), but we should be happy about it (???) and rejoice!

We can't wait to tune in to End Times Girl Talk next week, when we will undoubtedly learn how to be even happier that Obama is destroying the world, just like the Bible and the House Intelligence Committee foretold.


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