Michele Bachmann To Defeat Obama; Be First Female, Banshee President


This is how the torch was passed. Or the evil poisonous douchebag gloop or whatever.Michele Bachmann may have been spurned by the establishment when she made a play for the Republican leadership of the House, but that just made her want to run for the Senate. And now she has decided to "seriously weigh" running for president of the United States. Hooray! She will hold every elected office in the land simultaneously! Bachmann will head to Iowa this month, and has $3 million left in her campaign account. Sure, it's probably just wishful thinking that she and Sarah Palin will run for president. But let's wishfully think. As Barack Obama once said, "Hope."

So any other details besides "a source said so!," ABC News?

It is not known how soon Bachmann will finalize her decision on whether to seek the GOP nomination for president. Bachmann, the founder and chairwoman of the House Tea Party Caucus, is scheduled to be a guest on ABC News' political webcast "Top Line" on Friday.

Yeah, you're right. She'll probably announce on your thing.

However, Bachmann's senior staff did admit the Minnesotan is not ruling out a presidential campaign. "Nothing is off the table," Bachmann chief of staff Andy Parrish told ABC News when asked whether the Iowa trip signaled Bachmann's intent to run for president. "The congresswoman is excited about her first trip to Iowa this year."

These damn people. They are just trying to make her followers all hot-flashy and bothered so they will show up en masse to Iowa and throw money at her on the stage. She's not running for president. [ABC News]

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First, NASA sent its last message to the Mars Opportunity rover! THEN scientists said that all the insects are dying but not the human-looking ones in the GOP. As if THAT wasn't enough, some brave pendejos with grandes cojones are going to try and get seafloor creatures from under a giant ice shelf in the ANTARCTIC!

So, yeah, all three of those stories happened last month. Let's cover each in a science lightning round.

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is terrible at her job. Her objectives and overall mission are evil, but if it's any consolation she can't effectively implement them. After buying her Cabinet position at Sotheby's, DeVos has spent the past two years trying to roll back Obama-era policies designed to protect and actually educate students. Unfortunately for her evil schemes, federal courts keep smacking down her slimy efforts. It's getting embarrassing.

DeVos recently had to cancel $150 million in student loan debt after courts said her attempts to stop the "borrow defense" regulations from taking effect were in fact illegal. Last week, she was forced to instruct colleges to follow the Obama rule barring mandatory arbitration agreements. She got kicked in the teeth earlier this month when a federal judge ruled she'd acted illegally ... again. This time, DeVos tried to delay an Obama-era guideline that required states to address racial disparities in their special education programs. Judge Tanya S. Chutkan called the delay "arbitrary" and "capricious."

The rule, drafted under the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act, would require states to identify districts with "significant disproportionality" in the number of minority students channeled into special education services, segregated in restrictive classroom settings or disciplined.

OK, so what was the "education" secretary's issue with this rule? We want to imagine there's some rationale we're not seeing and DeVos is more than just some yacht-collecting monster.

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