Michelle Obama Beats Sarah Palin On Food Thermometer Test
Michelle Obama will not be pleased until every fat person in America rises up against her, which is why her anti-obesity campaign, also known as “Let’s Move!” has nowmobilized on Twitter. Although Twitter was once a joke website where friendless losers could share real-time updates about their sad lives, it is now mostly an online sign-up sheet for people who want to overthrow a government somewhere. Now that our FLOTUS’ healthy eating campaign is on Twitter, it’s only a matter of time before President Obama gets kicked out off the White House and is replaced with a salad bar. Most Americans probably won’t mind, though, because of all politicians, Michelle Obama’s body temperature most closely resembles that of a human. What?
Polls are an important way of explaining information to people who would otherwise be lost and confused about most things. Recently, Quinnipiac University decided to take a poll that dared to ask, “who ranks the ‘warmest’ and ‘coldest’ on a ‘feelings thermometer?’”
The winner when it comes to warmest? First lady Michelle Obama, with former President Bill Clinton close behind. The coldest? Sarah Palin and Nancy Pelosi.
The way Quinnipiac did this poll, which was conducted among registered voters Feb. 21-28, was to ask those surveyed to "choose any number between 0 and 100. The higher the number, the warmer or more favorable you feel toward that person, the lower the number, the colder or less favorable." The pollster then calculated a mean score for each.
Our FLOTUS ranked first at a whopping 60.1 degrees, whatever that means. Chris Christie came in at third, probably because of all his insulation, but also 55% of people didn’t really know who he was. Michelle Obama is clearly winning this brutal War on Twinkies, so there will probably be a Twitter revolution any minute. Until then, our FLOTUS will continue to indoctrinate America’s children with fables of balanced diets and a time before diabetes. Here she is, performing said indoctrination on Read Across America Day! At least Green Eggs and Ham are FLOTUS-endorsed:
Blair Burke (firstname.lastname@example.org) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.