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Michelle Obama Feeds Children 'Dried Fruit' at White House Halloween 'Party'

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Happy Halloween! Did you take advantage of the one day on which you can worship Satan and pass out razor blade candy, without feeling the least bit guilty? Well that's very comforting, because possibly thousands of small children attended a White House Halloween veggie potluck, and it was probably the worst night of their young lives. There is overwhelming evidence that this so-called White House Halloween Rave was actually just Michelle Obama handing out bags of dried fruit.Dried fruit? ("Muslim Skittles"?) We hope more than anything that those kids chose "trick" and then egged the shit out of the White House. Or maybe they ate all the dried prunes and then took massive poops on the White House lawn, out of spite. That would also be appropriate.


The White House, working in conjunction with the National Park Foundation, arranged for a variety of actives including a dress-up booth and face painting. Howls and spooky sound effects played throughout the evening as children and parents walked along the pumpkin-lined driveway while pirate-costumed Potholes Brass Band played festive music. A swarm of fabricated bats dangled from the light above the North Portico entryway as Frankenstein, Dracula and Wolfman took turns posing for pictures.

These poor children, traumatized by swarms of "fabricated bats" and forced to pose with blood-sucking monsters and half-breed furries. Barry didn't even dress up, and Michelle wore a festive "sweater." (Maybe she was going as "Noam Chomsky"?) Weak sauce, Obamas. Weak sauce. [Fox]

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Fox news, the preeminent home of White Jesus and White Santa Claus, had a bit of a dustup this weekend involving a Black Democrat, a Trump staffer, and of course, black people picking cotton. As many of you may recall, Republicans often have this antebellum fantasy of black Democrats living on a plantation, probably owned by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, trapped and desperate for "Free Market Solutions" to our mental slavery. So, it was absolutely no surprise at all when we heard White House advisor David Bossie tell black Democratic consultant Joel Payne that he was "out of his cotton picking mind," on Fox News Sunday. First of all, let me mention that this segment was about how victimized Republicans are because people keep calling them racist for saying and doing so many racist things. Like when people call Republicans Nazis for supporting baby concentration camps, BECAUSE IT'S MEAN AND HURTS THEIR RACIST FEELINGS. Man, they whine a lot.

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Scott Pruitt has been busy crooking up a storm since he became head of the Environmental Protection Agency, which he has dedicated his life to destroying. He's managed to stay under the radar somewhat because he works for an administration that kidnaps children, which is a bold but effectively distracting front for his grifting. It also helps that Congressional Republicans, including House Speaker Paul Ryan, routinely claim ignorance of his existence.

Unfortunately for Pruitt, the Office of the Special Counsel is very much aware he exists.

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