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Michelle Obama to Destroy Food Pyramid With Her Vegetable Plate

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Our Michelle spent last weekdrinking her way around the world, or more specifically, in Europe. She went there to hang out with that Kate lady and wear different outfits so that the Internet could vote about who was fancier. (The correct answer is that FLOTUS is always fancier. Always.) But even when our FLOTUS is pounding light beers across the Atlantic, the terrible war against obesity continues. And this week, with Michelle leading the way, America prepares for the next phase of this war: the destruction of one of America's most cherished nonsensical infographics, the food pyramid.


Our FLOTUS has been criticized for her efforts to slim down America, and perhaps rightfully so. After all, this is a country in which Man v. Food is not just a disgusting television show, but an accurate summary of American attitudes toward mealtime. And what would dinnertime in America be without the food pyramid? It demonstrates the shape that piles of food should take on a plate, and allows you to eat as many bowls of pasta as you want! What could be better than this?

The Obama administration is about to ditch the food pyramid, that symbol of healthy eating for the last two decades. In its place officials are dishing up a simple, plate-shaped symbol, sliced into wedges for the basic food groups and half-filled with fruits and vegetables.

The circular plate, which will be unveiled Thursday, is meant to give consumers a fast, easily grasped reminder of the basics of a healthy diet. It consists of four colored sections, for fruits, vegetables, grains and protein, according to several people who have been briefed on the change. Beside the plate is a smaller circle for dairy, suggesting a glass of low-fat milk or perhaps a yogurt cup.

This “plate” concept is a terrible idea because it will likely confuse most Americans, who are used to eating food while weeping and hovering over the kitchen sink, without using plates and utensils. It also sounds like there will be far too many vegetables involved.

The new symbol was designed to underscore a central mantra of the federal government’s healthy eating push: make half your plate fruits and vegetables. And it is expected to be a crucial element of the administration’s crusade against obesity, which is being led by the first lady, Michelle Obama.

Half the plate? Where will Americans be able to fit in the standard scoop of mayonnaise and pile of French fries? Michelle, all of these changes are terrifying! Can’t we just keep doing dance-offs with Beyonce? [The New York Times]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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Since he's such a public-spirited guy, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke generously offered to develop some land owned by his foundation in his home town of Whitefish, Montana, as a "Veterans Peace Park" where kids could go sledding in the winter and the goodly Volk could go to appreciate both veterans and, naturally enough, the BNSF railroad, which used to use the land as a gravel pit and which donated it to Zinke's "charitable" "foundation." (Zinke's foundation, it turns out, is like Trump's, if Donald Trump were just a bit more shameless.) So naturally, here comes Halliburton!

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Is there really a Blue Wave coming? Dunno! But hey, check out these polls!

(Yes, we know we got burned in 2016. And yes, we know polls this far out are no guarantee. What, you want another depressing story about baby jails? DIDN'T THINK SO. So come read these nice polls right now!)

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