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OH HEY, Wonkers, it is Friday, which means we usually like to throatcram you with NICE TIME, so here's one! Your first lady, Michelle Hussein Obama, is at it again, trying to force US Americans to maybe move their fannies once in a while, at least toward a salad bar, so they can eat a meal with "nutrients" for once in their lives, instead of their usual 4000-calorie fat-stravaganzas. So she went to the Jimmy Kimmel program, because he is funny and also maybe because he sure has lost a lot of weight lately, and maybe he did it by eating some effin' vegetables! Yes, this funny sketch is all about how Michelle Obama's new fascist campaign, the #TeamFNV initiative, is about getting people to eat Fruits 'n' Vegetables, but Jimmy Kimmel's pretty sure she's saying "effin' V," which stands for "effin' vegetables."

Or maybe it's a new way to say "Fuckin' A," but the "V" stands for "vagina." Effin' V, man! Or maybe "effin" is a verb, and this is an action statement, like "Oh, golly, it is the weekend, and what a weekend it will be, because I'm going to spend it effin' some V's, like I always do!" Just kidding, this post is not about Josh Duggar's Ashley Madison account. (This one is, and this one too.)


Anyway, Michelle Obama says no, stop saying cusses, Jimmy Kimmel, this is about nutrition.

Stop fooling around, JIMMY!

And fun science fact! Even though wingnuts view Michelle Obama's efforts to prevent people from having heart attacks at age 9 as the acts of the malicious black queen wife of a cruel dictator, it turns out Americans actually support the idea of people eating real, healthy food. A new poll shows that over 80 percent of Americans think it would be just great for kids to have F(ruits) and V(egetables) with their school lunches, instead of just eating fried pig lard sandwiches with powdered sugar on top. Weird!

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So eat your P-in-V or whatever it is this weekend. Michelle Obama demands it!

[Mediaite / Think Progress]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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