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Michigan Republican Confesses 'Public Masturbation Fetish,' Hopes To Beat Off Competition

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Jordan D. Haskinswants to be elected to the Michigan House of Representatives, but while he is now a born-again Christian, he readily admits that he'll have stiff competition and a hard time rubbing out his past sins. The 24-year-old candidate from Saginaw was convicted of felonies in four cases related to incidents in 2010 and 2011 where he broke into vehicles, started them, and then masturbated, "to facilitate an uncommon sexual fetish Haskins called 'cranking' in interviews with police." But now he's turned his life around and changed his shorts, and wants to serve the good people of his district:


"I have dreams, and I want to make a difference," he said.

And those dreams? They're mostly wet.

Haskins is running for a seat that the Saginaw News unironically describes as "wide open," which is fine as long as he puts down a towel first.

Haskins' crimes weren't limited to public wanking, but also included breaking and entering and joyriding in cars:

"I was just a lonely, angry kid at the time [three years ago]," he said. "If anything, I could be put on 'World's Dumbest Criminals.'"

Haskins said he was drawn to criminal behavior for the "the thrill."

"I was bored," he said. "It was the rush."

Happily, Jesus extended his hand and Haskins fell to his knees, and everything has been better ever since. We think he'll make a dandy candidate, just as long as he remembers to wash up before shaking hands with voters.

We like his theme song, too.

[Mlive via Gawker]

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WHOA THERE, it is a #HotScoop about something happening that portends the wrapping up of the Robert Mueller investigation, one that we can actually believe to a point, because of how CNN seems to have some receipts for its story. (Unlike what we always hear from reporters who shall remain nameless, like Ken Dilanian from NBC News.)

CNN is reporting that "as soon as next week," new attorney general William Barr will be announcing the "completion" of the Mueller probe and that Mueller will be sending some sort of report to Barr.

And just like that, this is you right now: WHOA IF TRUE, IS IT TRUE? IS HE JUST GOING TO LEAVE LIKE THIS? BUT WE HAVEN'T EVEN SAID GOODBYE!

And this is Robert Mueller right now: bUt We HaVeN't EvEn SaId GoOdByE!!!!!!!!

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Aimee Maddonna, of Simpsonville, South Carolina, is a nice lady who wanted to take in some foster children and give them a nice home, with her, her husband and their children. Her father had been in the foster care system himself, and her parents had always brought foster children into their home as well, hoping to give those kids a better experience than he had in the system. She had hoped to continue the tradition, and went to Miracle Hill Ministries, the largest and most widely advertised foster care provider in the state, to get started. At first, Miracle Hill told her that she and her family would be a great fit for foster kids and seemed excited to have them on board.

And then they asked her what church she went to.

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