Michigan Republican Confesses 'Public Masturbation Fetish,' Hopes To Beat Off Competition
Jordan D. Haskinswants to be elected to the Michigan House of Representatives, but while he is now a born-again Christian, he readily admits that he'll have stiff competition and a hard time rubbing out his past sins. The 24-year-old candidate from Saginaw was convicted of felonies in four cases related to incidents in 2010 and 2011 where he broke into vehicles, started them, and then masturbated, "to facilitate an uncommon sexual fetish Haskins called 'cranking' in interviews with police." But now he's turned his life around and changed his shorts, and wants to serve the good people of his district:
"I have dreams, and I want to make a difference," he said.
And those dreams? They're mostly wet.
Haskins is running for a seat that the Saginaw News unironically describes as "wide open," which is fine as long as he puts down a towel first.
Haskins' crimes weren't limited to public wanking, but also included breaking and entering and joyriding in cars:
"I was just a lonely, angry kid at the time [three years ago]," he said. "If anything, I could be put on 'World's Dumbest Criminals.'"
Haskins said he was drawn to criminal behavior for the "the thrill."
"I was bored," he said. "It was the rush."
Happily, Jesus extended his hand and Haskins fell to his knees, and everything has been better ever since. We think he'll make a dandy candidate, just as long as he remembers to wash up before shaking hands with voters.
We like his theme song, too.
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