Mike Huckabee Agrees: Slavery Is Pretty Dadgum Cool!
We tried to find a picture of Mike Huckabee with a black person but that didn't work.
Mike Huckabee has not met an immoral, racist, homophobic, disgusting opinion he doesn't at least SOMEWHAT agree with. Hell, let's do this rapid fire: Syrian refugees are probably just whiners who want America's sweet, sweet Comcast; if the Supreme Court's decision on gay marriage counts, then Dred Scott must still be in effect, so have fun being "not citizens," The Blacks; Josh Duggar is a good man; Asian people eat dogs, LOL!; Kim Davis is an American hero for hating faggots the best; it's super sad how that little 10-year-old Paraguayan girl got raped, but she should still have to bear her rapist's baby from her child uterus; Beyoncé is a whore. And so on! So would anybody be surprised if Huckabee, for serious, thought slavery was a pretty cool idea we should bring back? Let's take a gander at a conversation Huck had with insane wingnut radio host Jan Mickelson:
MICKELSON: Our criminal justice system has been taken over by progressives, just like our failed government education system has been, and they've turned into sort of a combination criminal store, where we store people we don't want around us for years, and we bill the taxpayers for that ... [Tells story about lady what stole lots of money from her boss and has to pay the dollars back and also go to jail.] I'm thinking that jails are a pagan invention, I was reading from Exodus ... it says if a person steals, they have to pay it back, maybe two-fold, four-fold, if they don't have anything, we're supposed to take 'em down and sell 'em.
MICKELSON: That's what it says in Exodus, we sell them, and we take ... and they are indentured, that's what the 13th Amendment says for criminal restitution, we indenture them, and they have to spend their time, not sittin' on their stump in a jail cell, they're supposed to be working off the debt. Wouldn't that be a better choice?
HUCKABEE: Well, it really would be, and look, my prison director in Arkansas used to say ... "We lock a lot of people up because we're mad at them, not because we're afraid of them." And we need to lock people up we're afraid of. But sometimes the best way to deal with a nonviolent criminal behavior is what you just suggested: Make them pay back, pay back more than they stole ...
Et cetera, and HAHAHAHAHA, buying and selling people, as slaves!
Because what's weird is that, on the one hand, they're talking about how our prison systems are kind of useless (true) and how we jail people we're not afraid of just to get them away from us (also true). And also, people who steal should have to pay back their debts (true) and if they can't afford it, sell them into slavery (LOL WHOA HEY WHAT THE FUCK!). Maybe Huck wasn't entirely paying attention.
OR WAS HE? Because another element here, one that you may not understand unless you are a dumb fundamentalist wingnut Christian, is that there is a school of "thought" that says that BIBLE slavery was the bees' knees, and not at all like that whole "black people" slavery. In fact, there is a syphilitic strain of reasoning among Christian theocratic types that says the biggest problem with American slavery was that we didn't do it nice-nice like the Bible guys did it. (Pay no attention to how many of those SAME PEOPLE are cock-gobbling Confederate fanboys who tell stories about how AMERICAN SLAVERY WASN'T SO BAD NEITHER! "Did you hear about the one time a slave begged to be re-bought by his master but he couldn't because Emancipation, sadface emoji?" Yes, we've heard. Go fuck yourself, you small-dicked Southern fuckwaffles.)
So MAYBE Huck does think slavery is pretty great, as long as you do it like Bible. Maybe he thinks the other kind is bad, or maybe he doesn't! This is what happens when your entire public persona is that of a deep-fried, racist jizz-fart.
We should probably go ahead and tell Mike Huckabee to go fuck himself right in his own mouth anyway. It's the WWJD thing to do.