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Shut the fuck up.


During Tuesday night's Democratic debate, Mike Huckabee pulled out his meat fingers, which resemble a sort of papier-mâché where the hardening agent is dried bull semen, and tweeted this:

Yeah, awwww, everybody just needs Jesus and then cops will stop murdering black people. But then, as if to demonstrate his OWN "sin not racism" problem, Huck followed up (THE VERY NEXT TWEET!) with this:

GET IT? Because Asian people eat dogs! HA! HA HA Hucka-burn! This is the funniest joke since the last time a limp-dicked white wingnut forwarded an email that had a picture of Barack Obama dressed up as a monkey!

Oh, but no, you dumb stupid liberal dumbstupids, you just don't UNDERSTAND Huckabee's hilarious joke, and you're probably boy-crazy for North Korea's Kim Jong-Un, the way Kim Davis gets boy-crazy when she sees a human man she hasn't married yet. Regardless, you don't get it, so he Hucka-splained:

Yep, Mike Huckabee, you jizz-encrusted fucktoad, that's it. That was the part of the tweet everybody seized upon. Except no, Mike Huckabee, you putrid chunk of salmonella-infected dick cheese, that is not the part of the tweet everybody was mad about.

It was the part about HAHA Asians eat dogs. Because unless you are dumber than the Arkansan incest wagon you dun fell out of, you know that the dog-eating thing is not about North Koreans, specifically, but is a very racist thing that people (bad people, with poorly developed senses of humor) say about ALL ASIANS.

But there's another reason people seized on that tweet, aside from the fact that Mike Huckabee is a racist bag of cheaply sourced squirrel testicles. Remember that time Mike Huckabee's son killed a dog? No, seriously:

REMEMBER THAT TIME MIKE HUCKABEE'S SON FUCKING MURDERED A DOG?

Mike Huckabee is the last person in the US and A who should be making jokes about North Korean chefs getting near "his labrador," since he probably shouldn't even be allowed to OWN a labrador, on account of how you never know what might happen when this trash-ass motherfucker (his son David, what he made with his Hucka-penis and his wife's vagina) comes over:

Not safe for dogs.

If you don't remember, here, we shall aggregate ourselves, and no, that is not a sex term:

Word is that David [Huckabee] and his best buddy hanged a stray dog while they were counselors at a Boy Scout camp, but no charges were ever filed and David eventually became an Eagle Scout despite being fired from his “job” as a Boy Scout camp counselor for torturing a fucking stray dog. While neither confirming nor denying the incident, Huck told Newsweek “There was a dog that apparently had mange and was absolutely, I guess, emaciated.”

Not only did David Huckabee NOT try to help the dog -- because dogs recover from mange ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and they recover from emaciation by EATING FOOD (science fact!) -- he decided, hey why not, let's TORTURE AND HANG THE STRAY DOG. Sarah McLachlan does not approve, and neither does Jesus.

So fuck you, Mike Huckabee, for firing the stray spooge-bullet into your wife and bringing that delightful man into the world, and fuck you, Mike Huckabee, for thinking you have ANY moral authority to talk to ANYONE, EVER, ABOUT ANY FUCKING THING. Take your racist tweets, your piece of shit son, your presidential campaign, your elevation of Kim Davis to fake martyr status, your hateful comments about Syrian refugees, your BFF Josh "I Molest Sisters" Duggar, ALL OF THOSE THINGS, and shove them up your Good Christian Rancid Pockmarked Asshole, where they belong.

In Jesus's name, Amen.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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