Mike Huckabee Dreams Of Sugarplums, Hillary's Vagina, For Christmas
For your self-hating hate-reading hurts-so-good pleasure is Huckabee's reimagined, Wonkette-annotated Christmas classic:
'Twas the night before Christmas
and liberals were smiling
free phones and healthcare
Santa Obama was conniving!
Remember when jokes about Obama's free phones were hip and edgy? No, you don't. Because it never was, even the first time, a thousand months ago.
With American jobs scarce
what better way to show care
than to sprinkle good citizens
with the “hope” of welfare?
Your friendly reminder that the unemployment rate is now lower than it was when President George Drooling Idiot Bush handed over the keys to the White House, in case facts are your fetish.
But Clinton's people were anxious and frigid
(cold as ice!)
worried the Democrat playbook
needed much, much more spice!
GET IT? HILLARY CLINTON IS AN ICE CUNT, NO WONDER BILL CLINTON DID NOT WANT TO FUCK HER, HAHAHA. HA!
Hillary's top henchmen yelled
at her high priced attorney,
“What will it take to stop
this crazy old man, named Bernie?!”
Hillary Clinton does not have campaign staff. She has henchmen. And they're all trying to murder Mike Huckabee, or so he imagines when he's stroking his dick nubbin with his squirrel sausage fingers, as Mrs. Huck snores besides him.
“Let's promise the incredible,
new programs and big dreams!
Put cost and worry aside
we're going to extremes!”
“Free college, food, and housing,
there's no room for criticism.
We are Democrats ...
and we believe in socialism!”
OK, fine, props to whatever miserable Huck staffer figured out how to make a rhyme with socialism. That's almost impressive.
So remember this Christmas
when you gather 'round the tree ...
shiny Washington handouts
are most certainly not free.
And if by chance you whisper
into the real Santa's ear
Real Santa. You know, kids, the white one ...
ask for one simple wish ...
get the liberals out of here.
Merry holidays, America, from your favorite deep-fried fuckwart, Mike Huckabee, and god dayyyyyyum us, every one.