Mike Huckabee Dreams Of Sugarplums, Hillary's Vagina, For Christmas

Turns out the reason for the season is Hillary Clinton's vagina. Who knew? But all the Republican fellers can't stop yapping about Hillary's heyyy gurl -- which is very unfair to Jeb , somehow -- and Mike Huckabee wants to get in on that hot Hillz actionandruin your entire War on Christmas holiday too. While it's no video of the Huckster threatening to burn down all of Washington DC -- for the grandkids! -- this lovely little revisionist version of The Night Before Christmas is sure to make you want to drown yourself in a super-sized vat of eggnog, hold the egg and milk and cream and sugar and all the things that aren't bourbon.

For your self-hating hate-reading hurts-so-good pleasure is Huckabee's reimagined, Wonkette-annotated Christmas classic:

'Twas the night before Christmas

and liberals were smiling

free phones and healthcare

Santa Obama was conniving!

Remember when jokes about Obama's free phones were hip and edgy? No, you don't. Because it never was, even the first time, a thousand months ago.

With American jobs scarce

what better way to show care

than to sprinkle good citizens

with the “hope” of welfare?

Your friendly reminder that the unemployment rate is now lower than it was when President George Drooling Idiot Bush handed over the keys to the White House, in case facts are your fetish.

But Clinton's people were anxious and frigid

(cold as ice!)

worried the Democrat playbook

needed much, much more spice!

GET IT? HILLARY CLINTON IS AN ICE CUNT, NO WONDER BILL CLINTON DID NOT WANT TO FUCK HER, HAHAHA. HA!

Hillary's top henchmen yelled

at her high priced attorney,

“What will it take to stop

this crazy old man, named Bernie?!”

Hillary Clinton does not have campaign staff. She has henchmen . And they're all trying to murder Mike Huckabee, or so he imagines when he's stroking his dick nubbin with his squirrel sausage fingers, as Mrs. Huck snores besides him.

“Let's promise the incredible,

new programs and big dreams!

Put cost and worry aside

we're going to extremes!”

“Free college, food, and housing,

there's no room for criticism.

We are Democrats ...

and we believe in socialism!”

OK, fine, props to whatever miserable Huck staffer figured out how to make a rhyme with socialism. That's almost impressive.

So remember this Christmas

when you gather 'round the tree ...

shiny Washington handouts

are most certainly not free.

And if by chance you whisper

into the real Santa's ear

RealSanta. You know, kids, the white one ... 

ask for one simple wish ...

get the liberals out of here.

Merry holidays, America, from your favorite deep-fried fuckwart, Mike Huckabee, and god dayyyyyyum us, every one.