Mike Huckabee Never Stabbed Everybody Like That Criminal Ben Carson

Oh good, it is time for Mike Huckabee to weigh in on Ben Carson's made-up history of being the stabbiest juvenile delinquent ever to break West Point's heart. Huck went on the bad MSNBC morning program to tell everyone, FOR THE RECORD, that he never beated up his mom with a hammer, and he never did all the stabbings like Ben Carson "did":

I never hit my mother with a hammer and I never stabbed anybody. Never wrote about it either.

Good to know. And since Ben Carson likely didn't do those things either, when will the other Republican candidates join Huckabee and Carson in boldly not hitting their moms with hammers and just generally being non-stabby? Looking at you, Cruz.

But Mika Brzezinski wants to know, hey, Mike Huckabee, YOU have written a bunch of books, are they full of lies like Ben Carson's?

Mika, I've written 12 books. I assure you they've all been put under incredible scrutiny. And it's not that it's something you don't expect. You know that if you run for office, you're going to be put through the sausage grinder. [...]

When he said that people are looking into his personal life and going after him, I'm thinking pal, you ain't seen nothin' yet. They have not yet come after your kids and the rest of your family. They will.

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Yes, they are so mean, when they come after Mike Huckabee's family. Cruel liberal journo-LIARS make up terrible stories about how Mike Huckabee's son David murdered a dog, when the simple truth is that Mike Huckabee's son David murdered a dog. It was a stray, it had mange, and apparently it was emaciated, so we guess in Hucka-Land, that means you get to torture it for a while, until it dies.

And when that happened, Huckabee was governor of Arkansas, and he did his level best to sweep the truly unfortunate incident under the rug. It's remarkable he had time to cover up dog murder, since according to Huck, he spent most of his governorship trying to keep the Clintons from killing him they way they did to Vince Foster.

We are not sure whether David Huckabee ever beated his mom with a hammer or stabbed any human beings, but if so, some mean liberal media figure will obviously find it and publish a slanderous story about it, because pal, that's just what those terrible journalist types do.

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The Good News -- one might even call it the GOSPEL -- is that Mike Huckabee, his dog-slaughtering son, and Ben Carson are all saved by the blood of Jesus, which means none of their past misdeeds even matter, so really, why are we even talking about it, when obviously we should be looking into President Obama's school records.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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