Mike Huckabee Sad Everyone Hates Him So Much, Even Jesus


Oh, dear, it must be double super tough to be a "Mike Huckabee" these days! He can't pay his own campaign staffers, and he's noticed, suddenly all of a sudden, how everybody who's alive hates him, and also everybody who's dead, and also the unborned babies. Tough break!

“For reasons I don’t fully understand, years and years of actually doing something and getting things done didn’t matter. ... And I don’t understand that.”

Ooh, what's he whinin' into his rancid squirrel stew about? Well, a few days ago, all the weasels and chubby bunnies and also more weasels who head up the religious right gathered in the pool of toejam around Family Research Council hate group leader Tony Perkins's feet, and held a vote on which of the 147 Republican candidates they like best! And they just couldn't decide which candidate they MOST wished would sneak into their Christian bedrooms at night and Duggar them softly with his thumbs song. Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio? WHICH ONE?

Here's what singed Huckabee's crusty pubes so hard:

They eliminated the weaker contenders: Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, and Ben Carson among them. This facilitated the Cruz-Rubio duel many had been anticipating: Cruz, the Protestant purist with a pit bull’s demeanor, versus Rubio, the Catholic pragmatist with a choirboy’s countenance. Or, as one member framed it: “Cruz the Fighter versus Rubio the Communicator.”

[contextly_sidebar id="uyGX3oSmiF4XfZ1tEWAThvJEKNenFNSs"]THE "WEAKER" CONTENDERS?! Hasn't Mike Huckabee done so much for them, though? Hasn't he been consistent in his pig-raging hatred for the homosexuals, the lady (and CHILD) wombs and the brown people? Didn't he get borned in Hope, Arkansas, just like Bill Clinton did? Isn't he the only one in the entire race who ever beated the Clinton Machine? (Haha, no he is not, that's just the thing Janet Huckabee says to him when his Viagra's worn off. Seems to work.)

[contextly_sidebar id="FENGzEqAPXRdiOYaSvWxoOyyyiQBi2EK"]Anyway, the fundamentalist Christian gatekeepers picked Ted Cruz, and now Huckabee's pacing the pasture like a wild-eyed, country-fried Eeyore, tossing cow patties at the side of the house and wondering where it all went wrong. Gritting his teeth, an angel of the Lord visits him and gives him a vision of his favoritest heroic sex fantasy, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, pulling out her Trapper Keeper, finding a blank page and writing "KD + TC 4EVER" with glue and glitter. The angel laughs, because angels are dicks when they want to be.

And Mike Huckabee is once again left alone, AWWWWWWW.

Anyway, fuck him in the nose hole with a wicker dildo, he deserves this.

[National Review / National Review again viaHot Air]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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