Mike Huckabee: Syrian Refugees Are Just Like That Time I Ate The Bad Squirrel Meat
Long before the Paris attacks happened, Mike Huckabee, presidential candidate and sometimes conjugal visit sex lover of Kim Davis (ALLEGEDLY!), had already won the blue ribbon for "most ignorant, stupid, hateful thing ever said about the Syrian refugees." Huck was pretty damn sure those brown people -- toddlers washing up on the beach, et cetera -- only wanted to come to America so that they, too, could experience what it's like to be on hold with Comcast for three hours and STILL not be satisfied:
Are they really escaping tyranny, are they escaping poverty, or are they really just coming because we’ve got cable TV?
And OH DID WE RAGE when he said that! What kind of evil, uninformed, cousin-diddling hayseed would say such words? For one thing, it's probably libel to suggest Middle Eastern wartime cable TV service is somehow WORSE than ours, but we digress.
But now we've gotten that rage out of our system (at least for a moment), so let's just mock the latest Hucka-jizz to leak out of his sumptuous man-flaps, as he talks to dumb wingnut rage monkey Dana Loesch:
Lemme ask this, Dana, and your viewers could probably think about this. When Chipotle had an outbreak of E. coli just recently, what did they do? They closed all the Chipotle restaurants. I mean, how many gallons of tainted milk do we tolerate before say say, "take it off the shelves"?
Fun fact: Chipotle is working to identify the source of the outbreak. One might say Chipotle is SCREENING all its meat chunks, to find out where the bad stuff came from. And the company says stores will be back open very soon! The United States has a TWO-YEAR process for vetting these refugees, so as long as we're screening thoroughly, our Syrian refugee business should be up and running in short order, RIGHT?
Also, Wonkette has done journalism and discovered that we have milk in the fridge, even though there are isolated incidents throughout history where milk got tainted by the bad things. We didn't BAN CHIPOTLE AND MILK from finding "refugee status" inside Mike Huckabee's disgusting belly region.
Here's his point, though:
Here's the point. If we take millions of gallons of tainted milk and we close entire restaurants because a few people get sick, does it make any sense that we would say, "Well, we're gonna bring in tens of thousands of people. We have no iea who they are. We have no idea if they're ISIS members who are sneaking in with the real refugees.
AHA! So he admits there are "real refugees," aka MOST OF THEM. And of course, fact check, we're only accepting 10,000 refugees, which is pathetic, and different from "tens of thousands."
Those comments came fresh off Huckabee's frankly quite dumbassed suggestion that newly elected House Speaker Paul Ryan should resign if he won't stand athwart of all the child refugees of war and kick them in the face, before sending them back "home."
But you see, Huckabee believes he's actually doing the Christian thing here. He has no problem with us sending a few pennies flying in the general direction of Syria, as long as they use those pennies to STAY OVER THERE. You can recite to him all the Bible verses about showing hospitality to foreigners in need -- that's what the story of Sodom and Gomorrah was actually about, you rubes! -- and he doesn't care.
Jesus ain't say nothin' about exactly WHERE you're supposed to "invite in" the strangers who show up at your door, did He? Cain't you just "invite them in" to an overcrowded refugee camp in Brownistan, where they don't interfere with your American way of life? (NO! That is not what Jesus fucking said!)
Oops, we said weren't going to get mad, but we did. Oh well. Guess we're just going to have to do like we always do with Huck, and invite him to go fuck himself in their ear with some E. coli-tainted squirrel meat.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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