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Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was "going from Hope to Higher Ground," because using "hope" as a theme has never been done before, by a presidential candidate from Hope, Arkansas. There was nice uplifting music, like that Tony Orlando stuff Huckabee loves, and quite unlike that whore Beyoncé music the Obamas love, which Mike Huckabee knows is from the devil. Unfortunately, Ted Nugent was not there to help Huckabee sing about bitches' pussies, BY WHICH WE MEAN KITTY CATS.


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In a nice video before Huckabee's speech, his wife Janet, in a very heartfelt, sincere way, gave her husband ALL the credit for not leaving her when she had cancer. So, Huckabee advances past John Edwards in the Good Guy department, we guess! Mrs. Huckabee also asked the country's most pressing question: "Is the unborn protected?" Wonkette would also like to ask: Is our unborn learning? But we're not here to make fun of Janet Huckabee, she's fairly likable.

The Big Speech!

Huckabee finally took the stage, at which point he read Bill Clinton's campaign announcement speech, THE REMIX, which included a bunch of extra shit about how, unlike Clinton, he learned how to pray facing Nazareth five times a day. He also said he learned as a child in Hope how to shoot a gun, but that he "never thought about using a firearm to murder someone." Wow, combined with the fact that he didn't leave his wife when she had cancer, we don't know if we want to marry, fuck or elect him! For the record, Huckabee really hates the death penalty, but only because he had to kill so many people as Arkansas's governor. We bet Death Penalty Day was such a drag for him!

Huckabee said we can REALLY fix healthcare if, instead of doing Obamacare to everyone's grandmother, we were "focusing on cures instead of treatment." Which is funny, because part of the whole point of Obamacare is to get people insured so that they can actually go to the doctor for preventative care! But you know, details.

Huckabee then said he will totally defeat ISIS and Iran, unlike that pussy Obama, and that he will be super-nice to Israel. He lamented the fact that tyrant Obama is meaner to Israel, when they just want to "build bedrooms in Judea and Samaria," than he is to Iran, who wants to build nuclear weapons! He also says that Obama is so dumb that he couldn't "watch a Western from the '50s and figure who the bad guys and the good guys are!" (HINT: IT IS THE RED INJUNS WHO ARE THE BAD GUYS.)

And of course, Huckabee flicked his tongue all over social conservatives' ashen G-spots, like a good southern preacher, when he name-checked the "slaughter of over 55 million babies," and said that the liberals are "criminalizing Christianity" by "abandoning biblical principles of natural marriage." He wants everybody to remember that "the Supreme Court is not the Supreme Being, and they cannot overturn the laws of nature or of nature's God!"

After hitting a couple more pleasure spots about immigration, Huck jammed his finger right up against the crowd's collective prostate by saying he will fight for the fair tax and to eliminate "the biggest bully in America," the IRS.

And then he finally wrapped up, because the floor was super sticky.

Huckabee's Prematurely Leaked Announcement

Want to watch Huckabee's official presidential announcement video? It was "leaked early" (kinda like how Ben Carson "leaked early") and surprise, the stars of the video are Bill and Hillary Clinton, because (shhhh don't tell anyone) Republicans have absolutely nothing to run on in 2016 besides Clinton-hate. In the video, Huckabee says that he can totally beat Hillary Clinton, because he's beat the Clintons before, even though that's not really, actually, in any way that's related to the facts, true. Anyway, they're all from Arkansas, is the point. He also does his little Republican populism thing, and says that he'll keep "all options on the table" for defeating radical Islam, which means bombs, yay! This would have been a great announcement video, in the year 2002!

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A Children's Treasury Of Huckabee Being Gross And Creepy

All right, now that we're done with all that, here are some times Mike Huckabee has been weird, gross, prudish, mean, creepy, or other such-like things, just so you know what you're getting into when Huck steals your heart and your ladyparts by strumming beautiful sex songs at you with his friend Ted Nugent, rendering you unable to NOT vote for him:

What a character! We bet America is really going to fall RIGHT in love with him.

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So anyhow, everybody needs to prepare for 2016, starting with quitting the gay sex and the cusses and the slut pills, because those things make your new president uncomfortable in his Down Theres. All hail President Huckabee!

[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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