Mike Huckabee Will Send Very Tiny Army Men Right Into Your Cooch
Mike Huckabee, apparently still feeling the effects of that deep hit he took from the Trump Pipe last week, is saying some more insane shit. Not only is the Iran nuclear deal the Holocaust, now he's hinting that, as president (HAH!) he'd maybe consider using the FBI and U.S. military to stop abortion once and for all. How's that for your War on Women? It's nice to see a candidate so willing to take a metaphor and drag it -- by military force if necessary -- into reality.
Speaking at a couple of campaign stops in Iowa last Thursday, the Huckster answered an audience member's question about abortion by vowing to "invoke the Fifth and 14th Amendments for the protection of every human being.” Those would be your constitutional guarantees that no person shall "be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law" and of equal protection under the law, although it strikes us as a bit of a stretch to say that the same amendment that prohibits executions without trial would also prohibit women from having autonomy over their own bodies. Especially given that the Constitution talks about "persons," and only wingnut fundagelicals have decided that includes fertilized ova. Then again, we don't have a copy of Huckabee's special Jesus Constitution. The Topeka Capital-Journal tells us more about Mr. Huckabee's thoughts on the constitutionality of Roe v. Wade:
“Would that be a huge controversy?” the former Arkansas governor asked. “Yes.”
But he argued that scientific advancements have now verified that unborn babies are human beings — information he said wasn’t necessarily available when the Supreme Court issued its 1973 Roe v. Wade decision.
“I will not pretend there is nothing we can do to stop this,” Huckabee said at the event...
At his next stop, reporters asked him to elaborate on his thoughts, because they know good copy when they hear it. Huck explained, "All American citizens should be protected." Here again, we'd note that most people consider citizenship to begin at birth -- as does the 14th Amendment -- but Huck was on a roll. Another reporter asked Huck to explain exactly how far he'd go to stop abortions. Would he, let's say, use the FBI or federal military forces to make sure that women didn't exercise their rights? Huck only replied with an enigmatic, "We’ll see, if I get to be president,” so there's a question we'll never get answered. Unless, of course, people keep pestering him with it, which we can't for a moment imagine might happen at, let's say, this Thursday's GOP debate.
Huckabee said past presidents also have defied Supreme Court rulings. He cited Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln, and said Lincoln had ignored the court’s 1857 Dred Scott v. Sandford decision — which found that black Americans weren’t citizens — when he emancipated slaves. He didn’t clarify in what way Jefferson had violated any court rulings.
If he'd wanted, he also could have cited Lincoln's refusal to recognize Chief Justice Roger B. Taney's ruling that he didn't have the power to suspend habeas corpus during the Civil War, although more recent presidents have tended to accept the Supreme Court's supremacy. But why should they? Marbury v. Madison was just, like, an opinion, man. Huckabee isn't the only 2016 GOP candidate to say that the Supreme Court can be ignored if we really need to do Jesus stuff; Rick Santorum recently insisted that the Supremes don't have the final say on marriage equality, and Ben Carson also thinks that there's no requirement for the executive branch to "carry out a judicial law." We were going to suggest these guys sit down with Antonin Scalia for a refresher course on the whole idea of judicial review, but for all we know, Scalia would say that Marbury v. Madison isn't real law, either, because Originalism.
While Huckabee didn't specify exactly when the 101st Airborne would be called in to make sure that ladies carried their pregnancies to term, he did say that Roe was fundamentally illegal because it relied on a spurious conception of the right to privacy, explaining, "Privacy doesn’t allow you to take a life," so take that, ladies.
Next week, we expect Huckabee to explain that privacy also doesn't allow you to prevent a life, so when he's president, SEAL Team Six will be sent to confiscate all contraceptives. Maybe. You'll just have to wait and see.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.