Mike Lindell is having a bad week. Not only is Donald Trump still not president, but he hasn't even managed to find a state attorney general to sign on to his superduper lawsuit that will rocket to the top of the pile at the Supreme Court and cause those Justices to "pull down this election nine to nothing" and restore our great and glorious savior to the Oval Office by Thanksgiving.

But don't worry, you guys, he's still got a plan. As Salon's Zachary Petrizzo reports, Lindell is going to be hitting the pavement, knocking on a door near you to see if you're a dead voter who cast your ballot in the 2020 election.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, tell me if you're a corpse who voted for Joe Biden!


Oh, you say you're actually totally alive? Well, how old are you then? Are you perhaps an 850-year-old Biden voter? Come on, you can tell Uncle Mikey.

Please pray for Zachary Petrizzo, who watches Mike Lindell every day so you don't have to. Don't forget to tip your Antifa bartender.

In case you were tempted to actually believe something that came out of Mike Lindell's mouth (because your brains are made of tapioca?), please note that this claim has been repeatedly debunked. In some states, elections officials who can't verify a voter's birth date will input a date like 1/1/1901 as a placeholder until they can ascertain the real date.

Meanwhile, Lindell's claim to have found evidence of digital hacking in every county in Idaho switching votes from Trump to Biden seems to have pissed off election officials in the state.

"While I generally agree with Mike Lindell's focus on massive voter fraud in 6-plus key states, his facts regarding Idaho quite miss the mark. Well, completely miss the mark," Bonner County Clerk Mike Rosedale told local CBS station KREM2. (Haha, of course he's sure that everyone in Unreal America is doing the vote frauds. Okay, asshole.)

Rosedale was GRRR MAD, so he crunched some numbers and realized that Lindell's team had estimated an 8.4 percent hack rate in each and every county in Idaho, even the ones which had no voting machines at all, casting and tabulating all ballots hand. But to make real sure, Deputy Secretary of State Chad Houck did a manual recount in the two smallest counties, and hey, wouldn't ya know, he actually found a couple extra votes for Joe Biden. Time to demand an Arizona-style fraudit — said exactly no one. But Houck is making noise about sending a bill to Lindell for for time spent refuting his bullshit.

"Why not try and get Lindell to reimburse the state for having to refute his false claim?" he told the Idaho Statesman.

Why not, indeed!

Meanwhile, Lindell's legal troubles are no less batshit than the rest of his life. It's a wee smidge technical, but let's see if we can summarize this steaming pile of horse shit ...

Dominion Voting Systems sued Mike Lindell for defamation in federal court in DC. Mike Lindell then sued Dominion right back in federal court in Minnesota, and asked the judge there to rule that Dominion's DC suit against him was a BAD LAW THINGY. That went about as well as could be expected, so the DC case lumbers on.

Mike Lindell moved to dismiss the DC case on the theory that Dominion Voting Systems, a private company, is murdering his First Amendment right to do free speeches. The motion was denied because SHUT UP, Dominion is not the government, you pillow pumping chowderhead.

Mike Lindell promptly appealed the motion to dismiss to the DC Circuit Court, which docketed the case. At which point Mike Lindell turned around and shouted YOU AIN'T MA DADDY at the DC trial judge, with a September 23 filing captioned "Notice in Lieu of Filing Answer." His theory was that he no longer had to to comply with discovery, since the mere filing of an appeal divested the trial judge of jurisdiction, which is hot nonsense, and not at all how any of this shit works. Even if a denial of motion to dismiss were a final, appealable issue, which it is not.

Anyway! Dominion's lawyers sent Lindell's guys a letter telling them to turn in their discovery homework already, which prompted this AMAZING response. Lindell's argument seems to be that his lawyers have discerned a new, secret meaning in the 1964 NYT v. Sullivan case, which established the actual malice standard for defamation of a public figure. They read the goat entrails and discovered a heretofore undetected immunity for criticism of government conduct, and thus their appeal of the denied motion to dismiss is magically transformed into an appealable issue of qualified immunity, such as your average malignant cop might assert.

Oh, you think we're making this up? Au contraire, mon frère.

The majority opinion in New York Times v. Sullivan, 376 U.S. 254 (1964), described the First Amendment right that the decision secured as a "privilege for criticism of official conduct," "the privilege for the citizen-critic of government," and "the privilege immunizing honest misstatements of fact." 376 U.S. at 282 & n. 21 (emphasis added). The opinion recognized this "privilege" as "a fair equivalent of the immunity granted to the officials themselves." 376 U.S. at 283 (emphasis added). The denial of a motion to dismiss a defamation lawsuit abridging this "privilege" and "immunity" is the legal equivalent of a denial of absolute or qualified immunity, which is immediately appealable under 28 U.S.C. 1291.

Hello, it's got the words "privilege" and "immunity" right in there. What else do you want?

Astute observers will note that this argument is premised on the theory that Dominion is actually the government, which the trial court already said was bogus. Also that it is PREPOSTEROUS. Nevertheless, they persisted.

Is it happy hour yet?

[Salon / Idaho Statesman / Dominion v. My Pillow, docket via Court Listener]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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