Mike Pence Condemns Mike Pence For Saying Thing Mike Pence Definitely Did Not Say

One of the many concessions Kim Jong-un was able to get from Donald Trump while filming their upcoming rom-com Two Dipshits Do Singapore -- simply by scratching the American president's grundle and calling him pretty -- is Trump's claim that the United States will be ending its "war games" AKA JOINT DEFENSE EXERCISES with South Korea, because they're just so doggone 'spensive!

In response, all sane people were like "Uhhhhhhhhhh HENGGGGGH?" We know Trump likes to bone our alliances and cozy up to any and all dictators who flutter their eyes at him, but Jesus Willikers Christ!

GOP senators like Joni Ernst and Lindsey Graham were like "OK fine, Mister President, but NO TROOP WITHDRAWALS," because that is the thing they are going to say in order to make it look like they are drawing a line in the sand and definitely not rolling over and abandoning all principles they ever held, in blind servitude to He Whose Brain Seems Kind Of Syphilitic If You Ask Us, Not That We Are A Doctor Or Anything.

Democratic senators were more like "LOL shit, that dumbass got rolled AGAIN!"

WOMP WOMP WOMP! Mean Democrats always gotta be such dickheads, pointing out "reality" and whatnot.

We'll have a longer explainer in the morning about just how hard we got rolled by North Korea in this -- and possibly by the Chinese -- but as we wind up our day, we would like to simply point out that Mike Pence either is A) a liar who's mad he totally got leaked on, B) full of shit, C) completely out of the loop, or D) some combination of all four. And this on top of how he's a weird looking white-haired dildo brain who calls his wife "Mother"!

We'll tell this story in tweets, because ZZZZZZZZZZZ fuck you guys is why:

The CHINESE foreign ministry is announcing this? Why are the CHINESE reporting this? Did Kim Jong-un pull out his Obamaphone and immediately run to the CHINESE to say "LOL you guys, listen to what I just made Dumbshit McOrange do"? More on that tomorrow, as we said!

Few hours later:

What's that, Mike Pence? Are you briefing the senators and telling them to relax, because Fuckwaffles McOld will forget what he agreed to by morning anyway? Because that would be plausible! Let's see what a GOP senator who was there says:

LIES! says the veep's office. LIES!

And now Cory Gardner is backtracking sort of, though we don't know why. Maybe Mother Pence called and said she had one of the bottom-spankings she usually reserves for Mike (allegedly) with Cory Gardner's name on it:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. So we'll do "exercises" but not "war games," except Trump said we're going to cut all that shit out, and really what Trump called "war games" seems to be referring to the exact same goddamn thing as the "readiness training and exchanges" Gardner is tweeting about, and holy hell WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

What it means is that Kim Jong-un is so excited and he's blabbing to China about it because the president of the United States can't Art Of The Deal for shit.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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