One of the many concessions Kim Jong-un was able to get from Donald Trump while filming their upcoming rom-com Two Dipshits Do Singapore -- simply by scratching the American president's grundle and calling him pretty -- is Trump's claim that the United States will be ending its "war games" AKA JOINT DEFENSE EXERCISES with South Korea, because they're just so doggone 'spensive!

In response, all sane people were like "Uhhhhhhhhhh HENGGGGGH?" We know Trump likes to bone our alliances and cozy up to any and all dictators who flutter their eyes at him, but Jesus Willikers Christ!

GOP senators like Joni Ernst and Lindsey Graham were like "OK fine, Mister President, but NO TROOP WITHDRAWALS," because that is the thing they are going to say in order to make it look like they are drawing a line in the sand and definitely not rolling over and abandoning all principles they ever held, in blind servitude to He Whose Brain Seems Kind Of Syphilitic If You Ask Us, Not That We Are A Doctor Or Anything.

Democratic senators were more like "LOL shit, that dumbass got rolled AGAIN!"

WOMP WOMP WOMP! Mean Democrats always gotta be such dickheads, pointing out "reality" and whatnot.

We'll have a longer explainer in the morning about just how hard we got rolled by North Korea in this -- and possibly by the Chinese -- but as we wind up our day, we would like to simply point out that Mike Pence either is A) a liar who's mad he totally got leaked on, B) full of shit, C) completely out of the loop, or D) some combination of all four. And this on top of how he's a weird looking white-haired dildo brain who calls his wife "Mother"!

We'll tell this story in tweets, because ZZZZZZZZZZZ fuck you guys is why:

The CHINESE foreign ministry is announcing this? Why are the CHINESE reporting this? Did Kim Jong-un pull out his Obamaphone and immediately run to the CHINESE to say "LOL you guys, listen to what I just made Dumbshit McOrange do"? More on that tomorrow, as we said!

Few hours later:

What's that, Mike Pence? Are you briefing the senators and telling them to relax, because Fuckwaffles McOld will forget what he agreed to by morning anyway? Because that would be plausible! Let's see what a GOP senator who was there says:

LIES! says the veep's office. LIES!

And now Cory Gardner is backtracking sort of, though we don't know why. Maybe Mother Pence called and said she had one of the bottom-spankings she usually reserves for Mike (allegedly) with Cory Gardner's name on it:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. So we'll do "exercises" but not "war games," except Trump said we're going to cut all that shit out, and really what Trump called "war games" seems to be referring to the exact same goddamn thing as the "readiness training and exchanges" Gardner is tweeting about, and holy hell WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

What it means is that Kim Jong-un is so excited and he's blabbing to China about it because the president of the United States can't Art Of The Deal for shit.


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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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