Mike Pence's Fake Rabbi Walks Into A Bar, Says Jews Are Going To Hell


Mike Pence is a disgusting POS, anti-Semite!

But before we get to that, please permit a brief anecdote about the time I, Yr FDF, lost my shit at a PTA meeting. The topic was the outside Christian group hosting "Bible Study and Pizza Club" which had invited all the students to join them, without mentioning it to the parents at the tiny, non-sectarian girls middle school my daughter attends. Naturally, I asked the principal if they would also be pulling a van with tinted windows into the driveway for "Taking Candy From Strangers Club." The room went dead silent. I explained that Jewish kids face the Pizza-n-Bible Talk come-on everywhere they go from Evangelicals looking to bring them to Jesus. So if they were going to bring in scalp hunters, they could at least give me a heads up so I could tell my 11-year-old why this activity is fundamentally dangerous for her.

Next to me, another mother was getting agitated. There was heavy breathing, and pursing of lips. Did I not understand that her kids, as Catholics, were also targets, she snorted? Why did I think being Jewish meant I got to veto Bible Club for Christian girls? So then I splained to her about evangelical churches that dress their kids up as Orthodox Jews and spend their summers door-knocking in Jewish neighborhoods up and down the East Coast to bring us to Jesus. And I splained how Jews for Jesus uses former Jews who have converted to Christianity as a lure to target Jewish kids specifically to "perfect" them in Christ. And I splained how people whose family tree has been aggressively pruned get a little touchy about a bunch of fake Jews whose only goal is to separate them from their family's religion. So maybe don't "All Faiths Matter" Me, Lady!

And for the rest of the year, we never made eye contact again.

Which is kind of a roundabout way of saying that American Jews really, REALLY don't like Jews for Jesus. It's about the only thing most all of us agree on. You may have heard the expression, "Two Jews, three opinions," and that's usually true. Except when it comes to Jews for Jesus, where the opinions are, 1) lock the door and text all your neighbors that those bastards are back again, 2) tell them if they don't get off your porch, you'll call the cops, or 3) round up Yitzy and the boys to let those J4J momzers know they need to leave the neighborhood NOW.

Jehovah's Witnesses are fine. Mormons don't bother us since they quit posthumously baptizing Holocaust victims into their faith. But so-called Messianic Jews who have discovered Jesus and want to share him with our kids induce a potent mix of fear and panic in the hearts of American Jews.

Which brings us back to Mike Pence, who took time out of a rally last night in Michigan for House candidates Lena Epstein and Mike Bishop to honor the memory of the Jews shot praying in their own synagogue in Pittsburgh. Introducing Loren Jacobs, as a "leader in the Jewish community," Pence handed the lectern over to him for a "blessing."

Hmmm. We don't usually see a "rabbi" wearing a prayer shawl and no yarmulke, but go on.

God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob, God of Father my Lord and Savior Yeshua, Jesus the messiah, and my God and Father, too.

So, that's not a rabbi. Because, you know, the whole Jesus thing.

ARE YOU NOT COMFORTED, JEWS? Do you not feel honored?

Actually, not. Like, not at all. Particularly since Pence's fake rabbi believes that the shooting victims are currently burning in hell.

For his part, Pence claims he had no idea Jacobs wasn't a real rabbi. He just checked to make sure the guy was circumcised, and figured he was kosher.

Okay, fine. Pence didn't make any representations about the fake rabbi's penis. He just blamed the only real Jew at the event, Lena Epstein, for getting some off-brand rabbi on the cheap.

Oooooh, girl! You were probably headed for an asskicking anyway. But now your mom's gonna have to find a nice Chinese mah-jongg group to play with, because Mrs. Finkelstein and Mrs. Goldfarb will be giving her the fisheye for a long time. And I know we're all showing up at schul this weekend for a service to honor the dead, but ... maybe you want to sit this one out. Pretty sure the Jew who invites the J4J freaks to the party is going to be lonely in the pews. But you keep banging that drum about being the victim of religious intolerance. Maybe your community will forgive you by Yom Kippur.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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