Mike Pence Still In Love With Cuddly Pussburglar Donald Trump
This weekend, a question on everybody's minds was "WAIT, IS 'GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY' EVEN A THING? Has Donald Trump ever even seen a pussy?" Another question on people's minds was "Whither Mike Pence?" Would he stand by his man? As a conservative Jesus-loving American, Pence released a statement Saturday saying Trump's gross comments were gross, and that he does not "condone his remarks and cannot defend them." Philip Rucker of the Washington Post tweeted that the Pence camp was "absolutely apoplectic," "inconsolable," and also "melting down" over Trump's actions.
And then Pence kinda disappeared, at least politically! He went to the Indianapolis Colts game and probably said "Good game!" because the Colts beated the Chicago Bears. How nice for him!
But we guess he watched the debate, because he also said "Good game!" to his running mate Donald Trump, on Twitter:
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/607418/martha-raddatz-yanks-talking-stick-from-hillary-to-splain-donald-trump-what-war-is"></a>[/wonkbar]HMMMM. Did Pence see the part of the debate where Trump threw him under the bus and said he was a big dummy on Syria policy? Maybe that happened when Pence was fixing a sammich or taking a pee. Or MAYBE, the punditocracy was wondering, Pence was just saying a Nice-Nice as a formality, and still might do the smart thing for his own political career and GTFO now, while he still has time.
Well now we have the answer, which is Mike Pence still loves his campaign daddy so many bunches! He made the rounds on TV Monday morning, saying Donald Trump The Pussburglar (MUST CREDIT EDITRIX REBECCA FOR COINING THAT WORD) once was lost, but now is found, and has been redeemed from his earlier sins of saying he likes to grab them by the pussy.
The American people saw last night not just a choice between two candidates, but a choice between two futures, and Donald Trump laid that out and I'm just proud to be standing with him and look forward to being on the campaign trail day.
But what about your well known conservative Christian love for Jesus, Mike Pence? The messiah didn't have a reputation for condoning random pussy-grabbing, unless we're translating the Beatitudes ALL wrong. Aren't you kind of being kind of a hypocritical weenus right now?
My faith teaches two things. Number one is that we try and live up to a godly standard in our life, and we speak truth when people don't reflect that. But secondly, the other part of my faith is grace. I believe in redemption, I believe in second chances. And I think Donald Trump, in expressing genuine contrition and remorse, apologizing not only to his family but to the American people for the words that he's used, I think ... and saying that he was truly embarrassed about all of it on national television last night, you know, merits grace. I believe in redemption, and I believe the American people believe in grace ...
At that point, MSNBC host Stephanie Ruhle actually asked, "Is grabbing a vagina or using your power to kiss a woman, whether she wants it or not, an act of grace?" Pence responded that he believed Trump when he said during the debate that he didn't NEVER actually grab them by the pussy, and that it was just a bunch of locker room talk about sexual assault, you know, like boys like Trump and Billy Bush do. We don't want to cast aspersions on Pence's beliefs in grace and redemption, which are nice, but would rather like to mildly suggest that maybe Pence is an extraordinarily dumb and naïve man if he actually believes Trump right now. NO ONE FUCKING BELIEVES TRUMP RIGHT NOW. We are just saying.
Pence also went on CNN on Monday, and said debate moderator Martha Raddatz is a lying liar who lied in the debate, and that he and Trump have the EXACT SAME POSITION on the fight against ISIS, even though Pence said one thing in the vice presidential debate and Trump said another, and OH GOD, Mike Pence is learning how to gaslight like Trump:
— CNN Politics (@CNNPolitics) October 10, 2016
In conclusion, Mike Pence is pathetic, and he can't wait to lose this election with Donald Trump, hooray!