Mike Pompeo Hopes To Kill State Dept In Time To C*ckblock Kris Kobach In Kansas
How do you solve a problem like Kris Kobach? If you're Mitch McConnell, you throw Mike Pompeo against it and hope like hell that there isn't another blue wave.
Since 82-year-old Senator Pat Roberts noped out of another run two weeks ago, speculation has been rife that Mike Pompeo would take the opportunity to GTFO of the White House before the subpoenas start raining down. CNN reports that Secretary of State Pompeo met with Mitch McConnell and veteran GOP strategist Ward Baker on Sunday to discuss a possible run in his home state. Pompeo represented Kansas's Fourth District in the House before being nominated to head the CIA and sliding into State after Tillerson's unceremonious Rexit.
Mitch McConnell is apparently skittish at the prospect of another upset in ruby red Kansas if that dipshit Kris Kobach makes good on his threat to throw his hat in the senate race. You may remember Kobach from his greatest hits, such as "Fake Vote Fraud Commission: These Rats Won't Fuck Themselves," or "I Conned These Rubes Into Paying Me For Legal Advice, LOL." And who could possibly forget the chart-topper "Attorney General Sentenced To Remedial Legal Education Blues"? Kris Kobach has earned his place in history!
After Trump's twitter endorsement propelled Kobach to a 345-vote primary victory over then-sitting Republican governor Jeff Colyer, Kobach went on to lose the 2018 gubernatorial race by five points to nice, normal Democratic lady Laura Kelly. Governor Kelly immediately set about trying to pick up the mess Sam Brownback left behind when he handed Colyer the keys to the governor's mansion and moseyed off to bring American Jesus to all the grateful foreigners. And soon Kelly was joined on the blue side of the aisle by three former-GOP state senators who defected to the Democratic party. Why would three women decide they'd rather be in the minority than caucus with Kansas Republicans? It's a mystery!
In addition to Kobach, Colyer is also contemplating a run for Roberts's seat. State Treasurer Jake LaTurner has already declared. And DC lobbyist Matt Schlapp is considering throwing his hat in the ring, because hell, why not? You may remember Matt Schlapp and his lovely wife Mercedes throwing a temper tantrum at the 2017 White House Correspondents dinner to protect poor Sarah Huckabee Sanders's God-given right to wear raccoon eyeliner before sundown. Described by Ari Fleischer as "a really fun new power couple" in DC, the couple almost split with Trump in 2016 over the "Grab 'Em By The Pussy" tape. The Washington Post reports:
So Matt and Mercedes, members of the Republican establishment who had been defending Trump longer than most, drove to Victory Farm, their weekend home in Virginia, to ponder whether to stick with him. They split a bottle of wine and debated well into the night.
The decision was unanimous.
"We decided to double down," Matt said.
"Of course we did," Mercedes said.
And since then it's just been one fun-filled day after another of denouncing elites from their brand new $3 million house in Alexandria and hoovering up cash from their lobbying company Cove Strategies. Just a good old Kansas boy, living his hometown values. You bet!
Mitch McConnell, who is perhaps in possession of A MAP, isn't betting on Matt Schlapp and his two Virginia mansions to save Kansas from Kobach and from actual voters. Pompeo says he plans to take his time deciding -- read "see if Grandpa Treasonpants is really going to get indicted" -- so McConnell will have to use all his manly charms to get Pompeo to say yes.
The problem is, Pompeo is the only Senate-confirmed Cabinet member Trump actually likes. Wowed by his signature mix of lickspittle sycophancy and psychotic foreign policy, Trump has made Pompeo the indispensable man in his retinue. "Trump's generals" all got the boot, the heads of Justice, Defense, and Interior are all unconfirmed, and if Pompeo clicks his ruby slippers together, Trump will be stuck with Ben Carson, Rick Perry, and McConnell's wife, Elaine Chao. Besides which, who else would possibly take the State Department job? John Bolton? Even Mitch McConnell knows that guy is batshit crazy.
So, it's complicated. But we're sure Ol' Yertle will reach into his bottomless bag of evil tricks to make it all turn out horrible. That train is never late!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.