Milo Finds Platform Desperate Enough To Take Him: The 'Ex-Gays'

Gay Stuff
Milo Finds Platform Desperate Enough To Take Him: The 'Ex-Gays'

We regret to inform you that we have to break our "No Milo" rule real fast. You know who we're talking about, unless you've forgotten already, in which case keep forgetting.

Here's why: Milo says he's not gay anymore. That's right, he's "ex-gay." Milo has been healed by the blood of Christ, and, uh, yeah. He kind of hinted at this a year ago but nobody cared.

Reputable news website LIfeSite News, which got banned from YouTube and Twitter recently for all its lying, reports that Milo Yiannopoulos, who used to constantly talk about how much he likes BLACK MEN'S PENISES, has officially renounced all of the peeners. He's given 'em up! He's washed all that jizz out of his hair and Marie Kondo-ed all the extraneous dingle-dongles right out his back door!


(We are a gay man. We get to write those jokes.)

You should know the article, which comes with an interview with Saint Milo von PeensNoMore, was conducted by Doug Mainwaring, one of the four remaining "ex-gay" public figures who hasn't yet been caught publicly in bed with a dude, that we are aware of. So, you know, all of this is very credibility.

Milo Yiannopoulos, the gay man whose conservative messaging and willingness to speak the truth

We were not told there would be cocksucking in the first sentence of this article. Restrain yourself, Doug!

... may well trigger more outrage now that he describes himself as "Ex-Gay" and "sodomy free," and is leading a daily consecration to St. Joseph online.

Oh yes, "outrage" is what we are getting "triggered" by now. Milo has declared himself "sodomy free," and we are TRIGGER OUTRAGE!

Anyway, Milo is dating St. Joseph and what now?

MILO: When I used to kid that I only became gay to torment my mother, I wasn't entirely joking.

Wasn't dude married? To a man? All this to own the libs your mom?

MILO: Of course, I was never wholly at home in the gay lifestyle — Who is? Who could be?

LOL "the gay lifestyle." Our boy has adopted the lingo!

But to answer his question — though we are not sure why we are doing this — millions of healthy, happy gays and lesbians are.

MILO: — and only leaned heavily into it in public because it drove liberals crazy to see a handsome, charismatic, intelligent gay man riotously celebrating conservative principles.

Well, he hasn't stopped sucking his own dick.

MILO: I'd love to say it was all an act, and I've been straight this whole time, but even I don't have that kind of commitment to performance art. Talk about method acting …

So he's gay. He's saying he's gay.

Doug Mainwaring has a question about how Milo decided to say no to peckerwhackers:

MAINWARING: Did God knock you off your horse as he did Saul; or did it come about some other way? Please explain.

Is "horse" a euphemism for something here? Did it hurt when God did that?

OK we'll be serious.

MILO: Anyone who's read me closely over the past decade must surely have seen this coming.

So very few people saw this coming, is what he's saying.

MILO: In my New York Times-bestselling book Dangerous, I heavily hinted I might be "coming out" as straight in the future.

Missed it.

MILO: And in my recent stream-of-consciousness Telegram feed, I've been even more explicit — stomach-churningly so, if the comments under my "x days without sodomy" posts are anything to go by.

Also missed that. We use normal social media platforms, as opposed to the Nazi white supremacist ones, because we have not been banned from them like the president of the He-Man Jizz Haters Club right here.

But OK. Milo's counting how many days he's gone without dick. (He says he's only fallen off the wagon onto dicks once in 250 days!) Do you get prizes? Do you, like, level up when you hit a certain number of months? Is this like Pokemon GO?

Gotta catch 'em all NO MORE DICKS!

MILO: I've always thought of myself as a Jack Bauer sort of figure —


MILO: the guy who does the hideous, inexcusable things no one else can stomach, without which the Republic will fall.


Amusingly for the few hangers-on who still do pretend you can pray away the gay, who may be SO EXCITED Milo is now in their midst, Milo actually admits that being gay doesn't just go away. He says he thinks of it like being an alcoholic. Which is kind of sad, if we were to entertain having sympathy for Milo.

Anyway, he says he's been learning how to be just like a real heterosexual man, from his Parler followers!

MILO: I can share some tips! My followers have been giving me a crash course in all-American straight guy aesthetics, which apparently include growing a mullet and learning to drive stick.

This gay man writing this article knows how to drive a stick. Both kinds.

We guess this is what has become of Milo's husband, or his most recent boyfriend, we are not bothering to do any research into this:

MILO: Well, the guy I live with has been demoted to housemate, which hasn't been easy for either of us. It helps that I can still just about afford to keep him in Givenchy and a new Porsche every year. Could be worse for him, I guess.

On the one hand, dude gets a new Porsche every year. On the other hand, there is this guy blocking the refrigerator constantly updating his "X Days Without A Cock-Swallowing Incident" dry-erase board. Oh, we bet dude gets to fuck other people, though!

So, pros and cons.

There's a bunch of God and Jesus shit in the interview, you don't want to read it. He explains why he got such a crush on St. Joseph, though, so much that he wanted to consecrate his life to him, sounds hot.

MILO: St. Joseph is the spiritual father figure of the Holy Family.

Daddy issues, got it, go on.

MILO: In this time of gender madness, devoting myself to the male protector of the infant Jesus is an act of faith in God's Holy Patriarch, and a rejection of the Terror of transsexuals. Trannies are demonic: They are the Galli, the castrated priests of Cybele, the Magna mater, whom Augustine saw dancing in the streets of Carthage dressed like women.

Well that's a lot, Milo.

We feel like he might be kind of projecting onto poor St. Joseph, who we're almost certain did not ask for any of this. (Milo always hated trans people, by the way.)

MILO: Don't even get me started on Drag Queen Story Hour. I only have to see those four words to be overwhelmed by the urge to buy rope.

The love of Christ sure has done a number on this guy!

This seems like a good time to note that, as we learn from Joe.My.God, Milo claims he has been banned from Parler now, very recently, and just for calling for gay people to be hanged.

When even Parler doesn't want you ...

On top of his fantasies of doing violence to members of the LGBTQ+ community, Milo says he now wants to "rehabilitate what the media calls 'conversion therapy,'" to which we reply GO FOR IT, EDDIE!

Seriously, whatever, it's fine. If Milo wants to go to "ex-gay" camp and do trustfalls onto guys' sausagepeckers while they all sing "Our God Is An Awesome God" in shitty four-part harmony ... whatever. Best wishes.

No Milo rule officially back in effect.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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