Misty Watercolored Memories Of Eric Cantor: A Children's Treasury
We couldn't possibly hope to fit all of our Precious Memories of Eric Cantor into a single column, so let's just hit some highlights of a departing weaselface. (You might be surprised at the number of hits you get on a search for "Eric Cantor weasel." Then again, you might not.) The only problem with a guy like Cantor is that there's just so much petty douchery to pick from that we know we're going to leave out someone's favorite example, so please, add all you want to in the comments (as if we allowed comments).
First off, let's remember the hilarity of Eric Cantor, then a still spry 48, co-authoring the book Young Guns: A New Generation of Conservative Leaders (now available in remainder bins everywhere) with Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy. It was some kind of Cowboy Steampunk novel, as we recall, where Cantor came unstuck in time:
Needless to say, the culture shock for me … was pretty severe. I felt a little like George Taylor, Charlton Heston’s character in Planet of the Apes must have upon discovering the foundering Statue of Liberty on the beach. What was happening to my country?
And now we have to imagine him pounding sand, as it were, screaming "God damn you all to hell! You blew it up! YOU BLEW IT UP!" It was not a story with the happiest ending, although we understand that in the sequel, he manages to comfort himself with a highly paid job at some rightwing foundation or another.
And then there was the Big 2010 Bullet Fiasco, where Cantor claimed that he was a Victimized Victim of some crazed person who anti-Semitically shot at his office, so Democrats had better shut up about actual organized vandalism of their offices and homes. It's very wrong to politicize that, said Cantor, since he too was a victim. Except that police determined pretty quickly that that bullet that struck the building where his campaign office was located was a stray round, and the building didn't even have so much as a "Cantor headquarters" sign on it. But hey, a bullet came near a place where his mail got sent, so he was a victim, oh yes he was. And also, a mentally ill person threatened him on YouTube.
And then there was all the debt ceiling/government shutdown mishegas of 2011, with deal after prospective deal sliding off the road after hitting a puddle of whine from the House, and Cantor and Obama agreeing to disagree, only Eric never agreed to that, and poor Eric's feelings were very hurt because he did not get the respect he deserved.
Let us not forget the memorable moment when David Gregory tried to explain "women" to Mr. Cantor, who merely kept insisting "religious freedom" would be endangered if Catholics couldn't tell their employees what to do with their naughtybits. Because Eric Cantor loves religious freedom, except maybe if Muslims want to build a mosque in a vacant Burlington Coat Factory a couple blocks from Ground Zero.
And then, during the 2013 government shut down, there was that beautiful moment when even Fox's Chris Wallace wanted to know why the House Republicans answered every question with "Repeal Obamacare," and Cantor answered, "Repeal Obamacare."
By the end, Eric Cantor was pretty much disliked by everyone, though for different reasons. Wingnuts hated him for trying to take guns away from decent godfearing domestic abusers, and ultimately he lost his primary because he treasonously suggested that something might be done to fix our immigration system, even though he promised that he'd oppose any actual progress.
And now, we face the prospect of a House with no Eric Cantor to make fun of. We can only hope that, after November, he'll somehow find a way to be a weasel in the private sector.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.