Mitch McConnell Forced To Spend Friday Night With Butt Armpit Candidates Dr. Oz And Herschel Walker

Wouldn't wanna be ya.

Man, if Mitch McConnell was not total garbage, we might feel sorry for him right now, sorta kinda.

It is totally common knowledge at this point that the GOP-ers running for Senate are awful , like you would not pick these people to walk your dog, these people would lose your dog, these people would take your dog to New Jersey, these people would be like , "hey, dog, I am an FBI agent," if there was a reality show competition where all these people tried to take the best care of your dog, they would somehow all lose.

Mitch McConnell knows that. He said it out loud. He recently said, "candidate quality has a lot to do with the outcome" while actively lowering expectations about Republicans taking the Senate. And stupid dumb fucking snake oil French veggie tray idiot Dr. Mehmet Oz literally tried to swear up and down to Bonkers McBrainSalad Maria Bartiromo that McConnell meant that as some kind of compliment , like he was somehow saying, "Hey, isn't it GREAT that Donald Trump has saddled us with all these weirdo losers who are going to lose?"

Shut up, Dr. Oz. Shut up off to one of your million houses in Not-sylvania, asshole.

Friday night, poor Mitch McConnell has to hang out ALL NIGHT with Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker and Ted Budd from North Carolina, LOL awwww let's all feel sorry for Mitch McConnell just kidding let's not. It's a fundraiser in Louisville, Kentucky, so it's not like McConnell is getting on an airplane and trying to tell the citizens of one of these states with a straight face how impressive these dudes are.

But hey, money is money, and it's not like McConnell's got dick-else to do.

The Senate Leadership Fund, a super PAC linked to McConnell, announced it is reserving $34.1 million in Pennsylvania, $37 million in Georgia, and $27.6 million in North Carolina to support the Republican nominees.

"The stakes in this election could not be higher. It is imperative that Republicans regain control of the Senate and serve as a firewall against President Biden's disastrous policies. I am determined to do everything I can to ensure our candidates have the resources they need to win this November," said McConnell.

Yeah yeah sure, halfassed wanking motion dot gif.

ABC News notes that all three of the Republican candidates are losing, including Budd, who is down a hair from Democratic candidate Cheri Beasley in North Carolina according to the latest polls. 

We don't know if they have any fun activities planned for the fundraiser, but we imagine pin the tail on the donkey could be fun. Quick spin Dr. Oz around real fast and ask what state he lives in! Don't even bother with spinning Herschel Walker, just ask him where he is! Forget the donkey part entirely, let's keep it simple!

Don't say Wonkette never gave any Republicans friendly advice.

Hey, remember two weekends ago when Donald Trump, who again hand-picked all these garbage candidates, got real P.O.-ed at McConnell for saying the truth and blarped this shit on his Grandpas Only social media site?

Why do Republicans Senators allow a broken down hack politician, Mitch McConnell, to openly disparage hard working Republican candidates for the United States Senate. This is such an affront to honor and to leadership. He should spend more time (and money!) helping them get elected, and less time helping his crazy wife and family get rich on China!

And then a few days later he whined that McConnell and McConnell's wife Elaine Chao — who was literally Trump's whole entire Transportation secretary — would never be prosecuted and called for McConnell to lose his leadership position.

Have fun Friday night, Senator McConnell!

[ ABC News / Grandpas Only ]

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