Mitt Romney Eats Muffins Like A Precious, Fussy Little Child
This marks the week of Reclaiming Mitt Romney, in which he gives out lots and lots of interviews to show how beneath the cold, awkward, moderately inhuman exterior, he is a cold, awkward, moderately inhuman person who is competent enough to run the most powerful nation in the world despite having no idea what 98.7% of Americans do day to day besides get sunburned at his rallies and wash his cars. To that end, Mitt Romney has decided to give theWashington Times a deep insight into how he eats muffins. Hint: he does it like a weirdo.
If you want to understand who Mitt Romney really is, go beyond the position papers, stump speeches and preposterously presidential coif, and start with muffins.
For most eaters, a muffin is consumed unthinkingly, in big messy bites, pawing last crumbs off the wrapper because, well, they taste good. For Mr. Romney, however, a muffin is an analytical challenge — a risk to be weighed.
Indeed, eating muffins the Romney way takes discipline: He consumes the top, and only the top, to better avoid the unhealthy butter that supposedly flows downward during baking, according to an account by one of his biographers.
This was an episode of Seinfeld, for Christ's sake. We're supposed to elect Elaine Benes president? DID BAIN CAPITAL FUND HER DOOMED BAKERY?
Besides the fact that we are 99% sure the "butter at the bottom" thing is bullshit (as experienced bakers, obviously), why does Mitt Romney trying to save calories reflect on how he would manage the nation? Michelle Obama has been trying to do that for years, and she is apparently a horrible Amazonian hellbeast.
After reading all six pages of this article, it is clear: Mitt Romney's muffin waste goes to show that, like the rest of us, he does mildly irrational things for no reason that in no way qualify him to be president. Take that and be comforted.