So you are Chris Christie. Your once-bright career is falling apart before your eyes, all because you closed a bridge in a fit of unexplainable pique, thanks to the fact that you are an inveterate bully. Oh, and you also may have blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to one of your own cities, but c'mon! That's totally understandable because you wanted a little real estate quid pro quo and this fucking lady mayor would just not play ball. Can't really be faulted for that, now can you? And now the woman has gone whinging to the U.S. Attorney's office? Keeee-rist. Don't people know how shit gets done in Christie-land, where you are a petty little king?

Anyway, your beautiful life is crashing and burning. You need a lifeline. Someone to lift you up, pull you out of the muck when everyone else is abandoning you. Who do you get instead? Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney defended Chris Christie this weekend, saying his 2016 ambitions wouldn’t be hurt by the scandals.

Romney told the New Jersey governor “he must be frightening a lot of people because they’re giving it a lot of attention,” the former Republican nominee for president in 2012 told The Washington Post over the weekend.

Yes, Mittens. The only reason the media ever writes about anything is based in sheer terror. Pantywaist journalists don't actually love breaking news or juicy scandals. They just need to write about things they are scared of because -- well, we haven't really worked that part of this theory out.

So you've got the guy that passed you over for 2012, thanks to some bullshit thing about a defamation lawsuit in your past, and then went and lost his presidential race with a whimper, not a bang, getting up in front of God and everyone explaining how he supports you? Who asked for this shit?

Worse still, while you've got the most boring man in politics, the man who is a semi-human charisma vortex, "helping" you, one of Mittens's one-time minions is going around talking smack about you.

“The guy, as a person, is horrific,” Brian Ballard, a top lobbyist and Romney’s former finance chair for his president bid, told the Miami Herald this weekend ahead of Christie’s fundraising event in Florida.

“Charlie Crist got a lot of grief for what was called a hug of Obama. But what Christie did to Obama isn’t suitable to say in a family newspaper,” Ballard told the Herald. “I firmly believe he helped swing that election in Obama’s favor just to help himself. I busted my ass for two years raising money and supporting Romney and this guy Christie just wiped his hands of us when we were no longer useful to him.”

This is probably true, because you, Chris Christie, would probably throw momma from the train if it meant the furtherance of your outsized ambitions, but also, too, it was sensible not to keep supporting Mittens during the world's most tiresome death spiral that was the end of his campaign. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and right now, a man's gotta figure out a way to shut Mitt up so that he doesn't do any more damage to your floundering career. Is there a bridge that could be shut to prevent Mitt from going anywhere? Maybe just build a moat. Rich people dig moats, right? Perfect. Now let's find a crooked contractor that will do this on the cheap and get this done ASAP.

[MSNBC]