Mitt Romney So Happy He Decided Not To Lose Another Election

Ha ha! Hair gel!

Mitt Romney was apparently sitting around in his bathrobe last week, riding up and down his car elevator, when some scheduler from CNN remembered he existed and booked him for Sunday's State of the Union talky program so he could share his insights on the current Republican Primary Shitshow. Never one to turn down a social call, Romney complied, and so now we know that he's quite happy to be well clear of the wreckage:

"I can't imagine running right now. And I'm glad I'm not in the race," Romney said on the morning news program. "A lot of people are battling their way ahead. I think the American people wanted to see a new face. That's a good thing. And I can't imagine how I would be doing on that particular stage, but I salute them for their willingness to get in and fight for the things they believe in."

Mitt Romney's glad he's not running for president? Terrific! So are we!

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Sure, it's a small loss for the world of political satire, but with Jeb Bush in the race, we've still got plenty of material, thanks.

Talking Points Memo's Sara Jerde, given the thankless task of finding anything to say about the sad characterless millionaire loser's pointless waste of perfectly good airtime, noted that Romney was able to name several of the current GOP candidates and to say that they had "positive attributes," a pronouncement he no doubt delivered with that winning smirk. In a somewhat unusual move for Romney, he neglected to spin out any more reasons for why he would have won in 2012 if not for [add excuse here].

In what must have been the most damning criticism of the entire interview, when asked his opinion of retired neurosurgeon and all-around idiot Ben Carson, Romney clicked, whirred, blinked his eyes a couple times, and said Carson is a "very gentle and sweet soul who speaks his mind." Thus, such sweet and gentle thoughts as how mass shootings would end if more people threw themselves at loons with semiautomatic rifles, the Holocaust never would have happened if the Jews had guns, and religious minorities with weird beliefs shouldn't be president. We can see why Mittens felt he had to be diplomatic on that one. Or maybe he just appreciated that someone else is well-suited to speak in quiet rooms.

Following the interview, Romney was disconnected from his power supply and packed away in his stasis chamber until the next time a producer needs to fill time on a Sunday talk show.


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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