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Mitt Romney Thinks Mitt Romney Would Be Easily Defeated In 2016, Will Grace Us With Run Anyway

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How excited are we, on a scale of 1-10, that Mitt Romney really and truly and honest-to-gosh is going to run for president again? Oh, let's say 47. We are excited to 47.


There's plenty of chatter on the interwebs and from Anonymous Sources In The Know that yup, he's rallying the troops so he can be once, twice, THREE TIMES a loser. There are all the hint hints, the wink winks, the secret meetings, the rumors, the "I won't say no for sure" interviews, the blatantly obvious and in-no-way-subtle-at-all campaign the Romney team has been running pretty much since he got his ass kicked the last time. [contextly_sidebar id="Tl2SRZlqP2FPfHeXsx4ngTuWEfkwP7tH"]

Apparently, Her Better-Than-You-People Majesty Ann wants it SO HARD too:

Mitt's useless sidekick from 2012, Rep. Paul Ryan -- the guy who was supposed to add some youthful conservative magic to the ticket and yet somehow did not, HUH -- recently announced he won't be running in 2016 after all:

"I have decided that I am not going to run for president in 2016," Ryan said in a phone interview, noting that he is "at peace" with the decision he made "weeks ago" to forgo a bid for the White House.

"It is amazing the amount of encouragement I have gotten from people - from friends and supporters - but I feel like I am in a position to make a big difference where I am and I want to do that," he said.

Ryan hasn't been able to accomplish anything whatsoever during his tenure as a congressman, unless you count trying to wage war on the poors and pissing off his own Catholic Church an accomplishment, which we don't and neither should he. And Ryan hasn't exactly hidden his desire to one day be at the top of the presidential ticket, like a real boy! So his non-success in Congress is not the real reason he's staying out of the 2016 race. It's because he promised that's what he'd do if Mitt wants to lose again:

"I wouldn't if he were. I would support Mitt. If he were to run, I would not," Ryan said Tuesday. "But I don't even know if I'm going to either myself. That's something I'm going to decide in 2015."

Always a bridesmaid, eh, Paul? Anyway, with that flaccid competition out of the way, Romney's team is already looking at some of the other future also-rans. Like, LOL, Jeb "The Smart One" Bush. But as former Wonkette great Jim Newell, who is still great, but in other parts of the interwebs, explains, Team Mittbot already has the perfect argument against that never-gonna-be-president too: Jeb's too much like Mitt, and therefore could not possibly win. Take it from Mitt, he's A Expert!

Some of the major concerns for Jeb Bush’s primary and general election viability will look familiar: they’re a lot like Mitt Romney’s. He’s either held or holds certain heterodox positions that won’t go over well with the conservative base as he tries to win the party nomination.

And that's not just Jim Newell's Smart Take; that's what Romney's own people are saying. They know from experience that the Republican base doesn't care for someone who isn't completely 100 percent certifiable, and gosh, the Democrats sure beat him up pretty good, so the same thing would happen to Jeb, which is why Mitt is a better choice than Jeb. Yes, really!

They’re saying “Jeb Bush may be too much like Mitt Romney to win a general election” as a rationale for why Mitt Romney himself should run.

Now, go read the whole thing and enjoy Newell's most sexcellent Romney team fan-fic. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

We couldn't care less what pitch Team Mitt is making to the party's billionaire king-makers. So long as we get to spend another cycle laughing at Mitt and Ann and the car elevators and the classy horses and suckers who still think Mitt totally could have won if it weren't for those meddling unskewed voters, we'll take it. And laugh all the way to the Hillary Clinton inauguration.

[Salon/HuffPo/NBC]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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