Mitt Romney's Summer Camp Teaches Republicans How To Lose Like Mitt Romney
Doesn't this sound like a marvelous time? Sunning and funning and fancy horseback riding at a luxurious five-star lodge in Deer Valley, Utah, and learning how to not become president, from America's foremost expert himself, Mitt Romney!
On the guest list are Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey; Carly Fiorina, the former chief executive of Hewlett-Packard; Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina; Gov. John R. Kasich of Ohio; Senator Marco Rubio of Florida; and Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin.
In addition to speeches, donors will be treated to flag football with Mr. Rubio, skeet shooting with Mr. Graham, horseback riding with Mr. Romney’s wife, Ann Romney, and early morning hikes with the Romneys.
Jeb Bush was reportedly invited as well, but he's gallivanting around Europe right now, and also, we imagine, doesn't care to get Hot Tips From Mitt after Team Romney insisted Jeb Bush could not possibly win because he's too much like Romney, and Romney could not possibly win either.
Republican "consultants" agree that even though Romney never figured out how to win the White House, he almost did, and he'd be president right now if he hadn't lost, so the class of 2016 wannabes can learn a lot from him. (Or at least get a peek at his Rolodex of super rich Republican friends who like to buy candidates.)
“He made one major strategic error, which is that he made it a referendum on the opponent as opposed to what he was going to do,” said GOP consultant David Winston. Referring to the 2016 candidates, Winston added, “the question they need to be able to answer is, after they’ve been president for four years, what are the two major things that will have been accomplished for the American people?”
Maybe it's simply a matter of semantics, but it might be more accurate to say Romney's "one major strategic error" was running for president, since he was incapable of keeping horrible things from coming out of his mouth -- or his wife's mouth, or his wife's horse's mouth -- throughout the campaign. And also he's a jerk, and nobody likes him. As for what the 2016 contenders hope to accomplish in their (LOL) first term as president, well, we can guess. Chris Christie has promised to offend everyone, and we believe him. Marco Rubio's top priority is cracking down on the communist threat of Cuba. Lindsey Graham is going to create a harem of rotating first ladies, and even Caitlyn Jenner is welcome to apply, because Graham's the open-minded progressive in the race. Scott Walker will defeat ISIS the way Reagan did, by busting up the unions. Carly Fiorina will outsource all the Hillary Clinton joke-making overseas and then cash out right before America burns to the ground. And John Kasich ... well, he'll just be happy if people outside of Ohio know his name.
Romney is trying to give the impression that he's more charitable these days, with his fundraiser boxing match with Evander Holyfield and all. So maybe he really is just trying to help his fellow Republicans figure out how to do what he could not. But despite announcing he probably won't run a third time, we'd like to believe he's sizing up the "competition" to decide whether he should perform his patented flip-flop and jump in after all. Please, pretty extra please, Mitt? None of those other losers can lose like you can. Do it for your party. For America. For the laughs.