'Moderate' John Kasich Only Wants To Bring Back The Crusades A Little Bit
It's Smitin' Time!
We have to say, we never saw this one coming. In the race to see who could come up with the most insane, unconstitutional proposal in reaction to the Paris massacre, our money was on the obvious favorites, Ben Carson and Donald Trump. And while they both made predictably stupid comments, we never would have expected the worst idea of all would spring from the "moderate" mind of Ohio Gov. John Kasich.
Here's how John Kasich, as president, will defeat ISIS: He's going to focus foreign policy on promoting "Judeo-Christian values" and create a brand new agency that will be a bit like the Voice of America, only instead of beaming American jazz beyond the Iron Curtain, it'll be responsible for Judeo-Christianizing the rest of the world, especially in the lands currently controlled by the Mahommedans. Then once we've brought Judeo-Christianity to the heathens, they'll see that there's no way like the American Way.
Maybe Kasich got tired of being called "the reasonable one" and decided that if Crazy Talk is what's selling this year, he may as well go all in.
In a speech at the National Press Club Tuesday, Kasich explained the centerpiece of his evangelical foreign policy:
“U.S. Public Diplomacy and International Broadcasting have lost their focus on the case for Western values and ideals and effectively countering opponents' propaganda and disinformation. I will consolidate them into a new agency that has a clear mandate to promote the core Judaeo-Christian Western [sic] values that we and our friends and allies share,” Mr. Kasich said. He said those are human rights, democracy, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom of association.
“In this vacuum of values, is it any wonder that we see bright, educated young people abandoning the West for the meaning they think they see in the extremists’ cause?” he said.
As a concrete demonstration of his commitment to the values of Jesus, who said that we must love our neighbors and used the parable of the Good Samaritan as an example of how love and mercy transcend tribe, Kasich called on President Obama to immediately stop resettling Syrian refugees in the United States, explaining his stance in a charming story starring one of his teenage daughters:
"One of my daughters last night said, 'Why are you not going to let these people come in? What’s that about, Daddy?'" Mr. Kasich said. He said he told her, 'Reesey, we understand these people are in trouble, but think about, Reesey, us putting somebody on our street, in our town, or in our country, who mean us harm. We can’t do that, can we Reese?' 'I understand now Daddy why you said what you said,'" he related.
Mr. Kasich said he has a "big heart," but also "a pretty good brain." Reese Kasich is 15.
But she talks like she's six, at least in her dad's stories.
In an interview with NBC News, Kasich explained his vision for an explicit embrace of a Judeo-Christian -- or as he kept saying, a "Jewish and Christian" -- foreign policy, and the as-yet unnamed agency. ("Ministry of Truth" has a nice ring to it, we think.)
Kasich first rejected Ted Cruz's call for only allowing Christian Syrian refugees into the country, not because he objects to the United States promoting certain religions over others, obviously, but because he believes no refugees at all should be admitted. Then he explained his vision for modernized Crusades:
KASICH: Its job would be, fundamentally, to revive what we used to do when we beamed messages into the former Soviet Union. We need to beam messages around the world about what it means to have a Western ethic, to be part of a Christian, Judeo-Christian society. It means freedom, it means opportunity, it means respect for women, it means freedom to gather, it means so many things. And to be able to send these messages into a place like Russia, which is absolutely trying to prevent people from hearing the truth, or even in China when they try to figure out how to limit the effectiveness of the Internet, and of course most particularly in the Middle East, where young radicals are constantly fed ideas that lead to more radicalization, I think it's essential we begin to spread who we are, and why we are who we are, and what we represent. It is essential that we do promote this message. It's essential, by the way, that those in the West begin to embrace again our Jewish and Christian tradition rather than running from it, hiding from it, creating a...
INTERVIEWER: What does that say to atheists and Muslims and Buddhists and all the others that live in our melting pot?
KASICH: Well I also think that we have many moderate Muslims who share our views. I think there are many of them -- they condemned the Paris attacks; I think there are many of them that stand up and speak out, and they should be included in this. And they'd be a very effective part of this. So to support, you know, the Jewish and Christian tradition also involves the ability to have tolerance.
That should be awfully reassuring to American Muslims, to know that John Kasich sees them as a very effective part of his plans for a Judeo-Christian foreign policy. Also, those Russian Orthodoxers are going to be surprised when they find out they need to adopt a Christian worldview. Yes, yes, we know he said "Judeo-Christian," but Elon Green already ran that one through the Political Bullshit Translator:
It will be interesting to see how President Kasich's plans for the new agency work out. We do have to say that we're already a bit uneasy about his plans to appoint John Bolton as Ambassador to the Godless Saracens.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.