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Rick Perry wins on technique.


Every few years, we are #blessed with photos of politicians deep-throating a corndog at Iowa’s state fair. But did you know that there is more to the Iowa State Fair than hot politician-on-food pics? There's enough meat-on-sticks to make Rick Santorum yearn for a return to the Senate’s weekly butt-fuck night (Tuesdays at 7 pm in Russell 290). There’s a cow made out of enough butter to make Paula Deen momentarily forget the good ol’ days of plantation living. But what makes politicians line up to shake the hands of babies and kiss farmers? What's this fair all about? Let’s wonksplain.

It started in 1854, but it has grown to a behemoth annual festival that dominates the state every year. To let you know exactly how exciting Iowa is, this fair "is the single largest event in the state of Iowa." In fact, Midwest Living magazine named the fair one of the "Top 30 Things Every Midwesterner Should Experience." It ranks just above "Cow-tipping," and one slot below "Sexual Intercourse (not with sheep)."

What goes on at the Iowa State Fair? Imagine the love child of #StuffWhitePeopleLike and a Jeff Foxworthy standup set, only slightly more white. There are cow chip-throwing contests, an arm-wrestling contest, hog-calling contests, fair rides, country music, livestock competitions, and more than 900 classes of food that are judged annually (this year’s New Food winner: The Ultimate Bacon Brisket Bomb).

Butter sculptures have been a staple of the fair since 1911. Before the famous butter cow (it IS TOO famous!), there used to be a butter sheep, but too many lonely Iowans were caught in illicit acts, so they moved to a less desirable farm animal. FUN FACT: They freeze the butter cow so the same one can be used for three to four years. Between 2007 and 2011, Mitt Romney was actually frozen with the cow, before being re-booted for his ill-fated march to failure.

The fair has a history in politics, with butter sculptures of presidential contenders Dwight D. Eisenhower and Adlai Stevenson in 1952. But politics and the fair became much more intimately involved starting in 1979, with the GOP Iowa Straw Poll. George H.W. Bush won the first straw poll by pledging the soul of his eldest son to Satan (that explains a lot, huh), which was the only way he was able to beat St. Ronald Reagan (PBUH).

Traditionally taking place on the first Saturday of the Iowa State Fair, this event eventually turned into a media clusterfuck of epic proportions.

Slovenly devotion to profits above all else soon doomed the event to ruin. Per NPR:

The 36-year old event, which was once an important barometer of support for any presidential hopeful ahead of the first-in-the-nation caucuses, has seen its credibility and influence diminish after disastrous results in 2011 and grumbling long before that about the money campaigns have had to spend on it. Though it was supposed to be an indicator of grass-roots support, it was hardly that. Candidates paid tens of thousands of dollars for the best placement and spent thousands more on giveaways.

Beyond the grumbling about money, the event also pointed out that Republicans in Iowa were bat-shit crazier than many wanted to admit. In 2011, Rep. Ron Paul (R-Galt’s Gulch) came in second to FUCKING MICHELE BACHMANN! Realizing that the straw poll had become a giant joke, many of the Iowa GOP establishment were so depressed that they didn’t make love to a sheep for years. (That’s three sheep-fucking jokes, for those who are counting. Are there even sheep in Iowa? Who cares?)

Despite the loss of the Straw Poll, the fair is still a time for politicians to prostrate themselves before the yokels of Iowa who hold disproportionate sway over presidential elections, given their status as the first state to hold a caucus. This has led to some embarrassingly awesome moments:

Mittens reminded us that “Corporations are people, my friend.”

Rick Perry embraced Lawrence v. Texas like a CHAMP:

"I could get used to this..."

Michele Bachmann got tips from her hubby:

We're still hoping for a Trump/Bachmann 2016 ticket, because she is a fucking GOLD MINE for Wonkette

This year, the major draw was TRUMP entering in a helicopter fueled by a mixture of self-aggrandizement and Megyn Kelly’s menstrual blood. He succeeded in Making Iowa Great Again, whatever the hell that might mean. Many politicians spoke before crowds, including approximately 3.52 billion people who showed up to #FeelTheBern, Sanders’ smallest crowd in a month.

The fair officially ends on Aug. 23, but there will be another fair next year. If there isn’t a fap-worthy pic of your favorite politician making sweet oral love to meat-on-a-stick, just hope and pray they run for president one day. Because the Iowa State Fair will be there waiting, like a creepy uncle you can’t avoid at Thanksgiving.

[IowaStateFair.org / Fox News / NPR / NPR]

DDM is back on the Twitters (@Wonksplainer). If my exes are correct, you're in for 15 seconds of pleasure followed by a lifetime of regret.

DDM
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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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