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Mormon Boy Band Thinks 'You Are So Beautiful' When You Don't Dress Like A Whore

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Hey, ladies, have you ever wondered what gets Mormon boys really super hot? I know I haven't, and you probably haven't, and neither have you over there rolling your eyes, but this Backstreet Boys-esque band of preppy white boys (plus one older black man because Mormons are totes into that diversity thing now) ripped off One Direction's song "That's What Makes You Beautiful" to boybandsplain it to us anyway. Hey, where are you going? Come back!

See, they do NOT like our short skirts. Oh no. And they do NOT like our low-cut shirts. Oh oh oh. And they definitely don't like that one thing some of us can do with our ankles behind our heads. (Okay, that's not in the song, I'm just guessing here.)

No, these boys respect us SOOOOOOOOO much that they would like us to sit down and shut up and listen to what they are singing at us -- because nothing says "I respect you, woman" like telling women they "must" believe what they're being told -- that you need to stop dressing all whore-y. See, "Girls with integrity are hard to find these days."

[Malware at Happy; Link blocked for now]

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OK everyone, hello! It was a really shitty week with Trump's BABY JAILS and whatnot, right? And we cried and we cried, but then we got MAD. Are you MAD BRO? Because this shit is not going to stand and we are more fired up than ever to make things better, to register people to vote, to pick them up in our car so they can go vote, and also all the other stuff too. BRB TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK NOW. That is how we are right now! So are you! Start by marching with Wonkette next week!

Also, please look above, as that is a picture of Wonkette toddler getting SWIMMING LESSONS. Isn't that the greatest?

OK, we are continuing our tradition of making the top ten post even shorter than ever before, because gotta get on the road and go to Nashville BRB GOING TO NASHVILLE NOW.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump, Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY)

2. Ann Coulter's America Will Die if Baby Jails Go Away, So That's Something!

3. Yes, Trump Is Stealing Children. But You Can DO Something.

4. Baby Jails? Goddamn Motherfucking BABY JAILS?

5. Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

6. The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

7. Happy Father's Day, Roger Stone! YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

8. Michael Cohen Slams Baby Jails On His Way To Grownup Jail

9. Awwwww Rudy Giuliani, YOU FUCKING SCARED?

10. Trump Foundation Fuckery? WHO KNEW!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT.

Let's see ... anything else? Nope, BYE.

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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