Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now

Hey Wonk liberals, let's listen to the NPR together while we drink our vegan kale lattes, shall we? Ooh, here is an NPR radio program about the Boy Scouts organization ending its ban on openly gay scout leaders. Is there a Mormon dad very upset about this, due to how the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints basically bought the Scouts a long time ago, and everything's ruined now? There sure is! His name is Quin Monson, he teaches political science at Brigham Young University, and his son is a Boy Scout. Mr. Monson used to be one too! Let's talk to him in our NPR drone voice about his feelings:

“The church took the Boy Scout program and decided its values and mission aligned closely enough with that of the church’s program for young men that they just wholesale adopted it,” Monson said. “Basically, if you are a young Mormon male, you join the Boy Scouts.”

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Because if you're going to own your own planet one day with your lady wife, which is what happens in Mormon theology, then it comes in handy to know how to MacGyver up knots with your magic underpants and stuff.

Monson explains that it would be very sad if the Mormons had to cut ties with the Scouts, on account of EW GAY, but that's just the way things go, oh well. And it's not that they HATE gays, no way, it's just that if you are gay, you're not allowed to DO gay stuff. Slobbering over guys with your opposite married bro-friends who love dick as much as you do is okay, though.

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Anyway, Monson talked to his Scout son at Boy Scout camp, and found out how he is a failure as a father, because he forgot to teach his son to hate gay people, oh no, he's getting choked up on the radio! Here is what his teenage Mormon Boy Scout son thinks about gay people:

"His reaction was interesting. It's not a concern to him. He’s a pretty deep thinker, and a thoughtful kid, but his reaction was, ‘Well, I don’t see why it matters, dad. Why is this such a big deal?' And that’s the hard part about all of this, is that it impacts a group of young men who don’t necessarily understand why."

We are not goddamn kidding, it takes him a long time to get that last sentence out because he is TEARING UP LIKE A LITTLE BITCH because his son, smart deep thinker that he is, just doesn't understand why it's so terrible to have gays in the Boy Scouts. Doesn't he know he's going to make Mormon God and Mormon God's Mormon goddess wife angry, because they hate fags so much, and instead of letting them take a spaceship to the planet Kolob to meet Jesus and Satan and the whole gang, they will send him AND his dad to Mormon hell forever, which is probably a great place, due to how they have coffee AND booze AND gay is okay?

Moral of story: The culture war is over and the gays won, SUCK IT.

[NPR viaRawStory]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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