MyPillow Guy Gonna Lock Her Up OVER 300 MILLION PEOPLE For Stealing Election From Beloved Leader Trump

Conspiracy theories

We have all missed the MyPillow guy since whenever we saw him last, obviously.

Unfortunately he may be about to have you arrested. That's assuming you're one of the over 300 million people he says he has the goods on.

Stop laughing, let him explain:

Everything you’re going to see over these next seven months to get rid of the machines, you’re going to see the Supreme Court case coming out ...

Yeah, Mike, giant wanking motion dot gif. Pretty sure we've heard this guy cry wolf about the Supreme Court suddenly convening to "take down" the election one too many times at this point. And you know what happened to the boy who cried wolf, right? Everybody pointed and laughed at him and said the pillows he manufactured were total shit.

LINDELL: All these great things, everybody. By the way, you can find more at I'll put that little out, put that out there. There are so many ... I'm more optimistic today than I've been yesterday, the day before that, I'm on an incline like this ...

He made an incline shape with his hand, explaining that he's on an upward swing. We guess as opposed to crashing and burning. He's feeling good today.


Only your god knows, Mike.

LINDELL: Because it's so amazing! All the things that we have, we already have all the pieces of the puzzle.

It's so amazing!

LINDELL: And you talk about evidence. We have enough evidence to put everybody in prison for life, 300 and some million people. We have that all the way back to November and December.


LINDELL: But what we have are these other things that had to happen, which was all evil revealing itself. I mean evil's poppin' up like pocket gophers, I mean they'd pop their heads up, it's whack-a-mole, right? I mean, it's everywhere, and that all had to be revealed so that we can fix it!

Three hundred million pocket gophers!

Well, we might have finally answered the question of what's making all those noises inside the MyPillow guy's brain.

But wait, though, we have questions.

Lindell says he has evidence to put over 300 million people in prison for life, so they must have all done a pretty serious crime. Did they all do a murder?

And when he says over 300 million, is he talking specifically about the entire population of America, which has crimed against his feelings by repeatedly refusing to elect his heroic god king Donald Trump president? Hell, it didn't even happen in 2016, when Trump needed help from Russia, James Comey, and America's archaic, undemocratic Electoral College to squeak his big ass into office because America didn't actually vote for him.

Or is Mike Lindell talking about 300 million people who are NOT a concentric Venn diagram with America's population? In which case, where are they from? And what did they all do together to steal the election from Trump?

Is the evidence he has literally just evidence that the election was safe and secure, and the "crime" was that America hates Donald Trump and didn't vote for him? Man, he'd hate to know the part about where we personally sneered at Trump's name on the ballot in the voting booth before we pushed the button for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Bet the MyPillow guy would consider that worthy of AN ARRESTIN'.

Oh well.

If a cop comes at you and says "THE MYPILLOW GUY SAYS YOU'RE A POCKET GOPHER," guess that means you're caught.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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