Mysterious Millionaire Gives Jan Brewer $1.5M For Elocution Lessons


You know what agentleman does when he turns on his TV and sees a lady in distress, stuttering and struggling with a simple task like reading dumb talking points off of a piece of paper? He certainly doesn't go put a mean YouTube up for people to laugh at. No, a true refined individual would see a delicate flower in distress, one who requires assistance; he'll say, "How can I help?" And, if he's the heir to the Mellon dynasty's banking fortunes, he'll reach into his desk drawer and write a check with a seven-digit figure on it to send to her, along with a note that says "I hear those Dale Carnegie courses can really help you out with the public speaking."

Ha ha, just kidding! Timothy Mellon doesn't actually care about Jan Brewer's eloquence. He just wants her to keep deporting the browns.

A Wyoming man has given more than $1.5 million to help defend Arizona's controversial immigration enforcement measure in court, Gov. Jan Brewer's office said Thursday.

The contribution from Timothy Mellon of Saratoga is the largest to Brewer's defense fund, which has amassed more than $3.6 million from 41,000 donors nationwide. Mellon could not immediately be reached for comment.

Mellon's previous claim to fame was that he owned some minor railroads in Maine and New Hampshire and then he bought the Pan Am brand, because he wanted to ride a train to the moon. He wanted to start an actual airline, too, but the Feds decided that the company "is not financially fit and does not possess the managerial competence to conduct any air transportation operations and has failed to comply with the regulations governing its operations." So now he's giving his money to Jan Brewer instead, which sounds like a fine idea. Because she needs the money pretty badly, right?

Defending the state against lawsuits related to its tough new immigration law has cost more than $440,000 to date, and outstanding bills could easily add up to an excess of $1 million or more.


The fund has received more than $3.6 million in donations to date.

Whoah, two million in the bank! Now Arizona can pass a whole bunch of sue-worthy laws. It'll be fun! [AP/USA Today]

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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