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Mystery Senator Hints at Mass GOP Suicide if Romney Loses Michigan

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Republican voters have had an entireyear now give or take to make up their minds about who they want as their candidate for president, yet they continue to gnash their teeth and weep blood a year later like some game show contestant given two minutes to stare at a row of identical boxes and correctly choose the one with the prize (a bag of poop) inside it or be electrocuted with an anal probe. Which is why a crusty gym sock like Rick Santorum is somehow now completely tied with a rectangular dildo like Mitt Romney in the Mitt-bot's home state of Michigan, and why Republican leaders are secretly plotting some kind of mass suicide ritual known as "choosing any random other candidate less insane than the idiots already in the race to go and join the race at this late date" if Mitt can't seal up the nomination post haste. One anonymous panicky U.S. Senator confirms this, according to ABC News!


We're going to go ahead and guess it's Jim DeMint:

A prominent Republican senator just told me that if Romney can’t win in Michigan, the Republican Party needs to go back to the drawing board and convince somebody new to get into the race.

“If Romney cannot win Michigan, we need a new candidate,” said the senator, who has not endorsed anyone and requested anonymity.

The senator believes Romney will ultimately win in Michigan but says he will publicly call for the party to find a new candidate if he does not.

“We’d get killed,” the senator said if Romney manages to win the nomination after he failed to win the state in which he grew up.

Who even knows why we read through this article. Is this new information, that the Republican party is completely screwed after years of polarizing themselves so far into the corner that all they can do is stand in it and scream? No, we just got drawn in trying to guess which mystery GOP Senator was vindictive enough to leak this kind of soundbite. We're still going with Jim DeMint. Other theories, readers?

Meanwhile, what is Mitt Romney's grand pitch to his home state voters?

On the campaign trail in Michigan, Mitt Romney listed what he loves about his birth state. The people, the cars, the lakes, the air – and even the trees. “The trees are just the right height,” he said, without explanation.

Yeah. It's all playing into Sarah Palin's master plan. [ABC News]

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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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