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Nancy will now show Paul Ryan how to put a condom on his ding-a-ling, using this gavel as a prop.


Oh, Nancy Pelosi, we just want to hug your neck right now. Speaking in a presser Thursday on Republicans' constant efforts to fuck up funding for the Zika virus (which is in America now, KILL EVERY MOSQUITO YOU SEE WITH A HAMMER AND A GUN), and specifically on the subject of how the GOP is so obsessed with making sure Planned Parenthood doesn't get any precious Zika money, Nancy decided to lay it on the line and ask Republicans some personal questions about their own sexxxy bedroom habits:

"Zika … can be sexually transmitted. … And yet, they're saying, 'Well, if we have any funding for Zika it cannot include contraception,' " Pelosi said at a press briefing in the Capitol. The Zika virus, most commonly first spread by mosquitoes in tropical regions, can cause birth defects in the newborns of women who are pregnant when they contract the disease.

"I wonder how many of their homes — I wonder this a lot — how many of the families of our Republican colleagues are not practicing birth control?" she asked.

"How come they don't have many more children? How come they don't have five children in six years the way I did? What is it with them that they don't understand?" [...]

"Sexually transmitted disease, you use contraception," she said. "You know, I grant them their position on many issues — we have a different philosophy — but come on. Come back; do the job."

Answer the question, BOZOS. Do Republicans wrap their penis guns in lubricated rubbers before they do pornographic intercourse to each other? Do they pop slut pills to make sure they don't have a million babies every five minutes like Nancy did? (So Catholic.)

Marco Rubio may dream of little microcephalic Zika babies being born, but he and his wife only have four kids. Is his wife defying the pope (the Rubios are SEMI-Catholic) by having an alarm that goes off on her phone every day at 5:30, that reminds her to take her pill so she's ready when Little Marco starts stroking his even littler Marco in her general direction, all romantic-like?

Does Paul Ryan pee in truck stops on the way home to Wisconsin, and titter with embarrassment every time he sees those tickly-pussy condom vending machines, and then use all the quarters in his pocket to buy them all? He's Catholic too, but he and his wife only have three kids, so we're going to guess the entire glove compartment of his Buick is full of those fuckers. (We don't know if Paul Ryan drives a Buick.)

Ryan's office responded to Pelosi's comments with some bullshit about how it's Democrats playing games with Zika funding, but it's too boring to print and you don't care. Besides, you are going to be thinking about Paul Ryan giggle-jizzing himself in glee in front of a dispenser full of French ticklers the whole rest of the day, YOU'RE WELCOME.

[The Hill]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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