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Thursday night was one of those nights when Twitter LOST ITS EVERLOVING SHIT. Such fun!

Ed Whelan, who is the president of the adorably named "Ethics and Public Policy Center," and also a blogger at National Review Online, which means he's a #VrySrsPerson, debuted his integrated theory of how Brett Kavanaugh couldn't have tried to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, because of the scientific method he created out of his butt.

As evidence, he used facts, reason, science, Zillow, Brett Kavanaugh's high school yearbook, and Google Maps, which solved ALL OF IT. First of all, Whelan says Brett Kavanaugh is not the real rapist because he just lived too far away. (They did not have cars when Brett Kavanaugh was in high school, apparently.) Ed Whelan found another guy who went to high school with Brett Kavanaugh, guy whom he named by name, and we're not gonna, guy who's a middle school teacher now and who looked kiiiiiiiinda like Brett Kavanaugh in high school -- not really hardly at all, but we guess they share a certain entitled white boy joie de douche -- and his house was right near the Columbia Country Club. UH OH! Christine Blasey Ford said the incident happened near Columbia Country Club! Therefore QED MUH-FUCKERS, Not Brett did the raping, not that Ed Whelan is accusing Not Brett of being a rapist, perish the thought and bless his heart!


Before we show you these tweets -- which have been screengrabbed for posterity in case Whelan A) takes his meds, B) is threatened by the RISEN LORD HIMSELF over this thread, or C) is contacted by this PRIVATE CITIZEN'S LAWYER and deletes them -- a quick backgrounder is in order. (And wouldn't you know it, they're gone! Also, Ed Whelan is very "sorry.")

All the way back on Tuesday, Whelan sent these tweets, suggesting he had SEEKRIT KNOWLEDGE about what was really happening here:

He expected COMPELLING EVIDENCE! There would be NO CLOUDS, NO CLOUDS, YOU ARE THE CLOUDS over Brett Kavanaugh! Whelan continued to foreshadow a bombshell of epic proportions on Wednesday, and he even linked to that surely Pulitzer-worthy nonsense from Kathleen Parker about how maybe Brett Kavanaugh's evil twin tried to rape Christine Blasey Ford.

But no bombs hath dropped in the ensuing time, and what kind of prophet would Ed Whelan be if his earlier predictions did not come true?

So he tooketh to Twitter forthwith:

Maybe she's not just a CRAZY LADY crying rape like a common CRAZY LADY. But it sure wasn't Brett!

So Kavanaugh lived 3.6 miles from the club, which in the ancient days of the early 1980s, would be at least a day trip on a Conestoga wagon. The other people at the party lived even further than that, so the party obviously didn't exist, but anyway, Brett Kavanaugh couldn't have been there because HERE'S WHY.

He literally followed up with a map, showing where all these people lived. #Research

CASE CLOSED? No wait, it's not time for that yet.

Know what's real close to the Columbia Country Club? THIS HOUSE.

Crime solved! Oh wait, Ed Whelan may be getting ahead of himself.

But STUDY THAT FLOOR PLAN CLOSELY, as it is similar to the floorplan of literally no other houses ever. Also study these stairs, because who ever heard of stairs coming up from a foyer in the middle like that? Christine Blasey Ford has! She said there was a foyer!

Ed Whelan, architectural analyst, noted that at the top of the stairs there was a bedroom, which is super weird design, except for how it features in pretty much every traditional two-story house in the United States of America. Not only that, but there was a bathroom in that hallway! And Christine Blasey Ford said she hid in a bathroom across the hall! What kind of a house has bathrooms upstairs by the bedrooms????

CRIME SOLVED YET? No, Ed Whelan, you are getting ahead of yourself again!

Whelan went through more floor plan analysis, none of which is worth printing here, before his big reveal, which was that this guy Not Brett lived there, and Not Brett was a classmate of Brett Kavanaugh's! (Before you get any more creeped out by Ed Whelan than you already are over how he has the address where this dude lived in high school, realize that he most likely got his hands on a yearbook from Georgetown Prep, which for some weird-ass reason had all the students' home addresses next to their pictures. Maybe it's a boarding school thing.)

You can check out Whelan's thread if you want, but we're not printing the yearbook picture or the current day pictures of Not Brett that Ed Whelan irresponsibly tweeted, because WE'RE NOT ASSHOLES and we've NEVER BEEN SUED, but as we said he and Kavanaugh don't really look alike. Moreover, if you are a rich white girl who knows all the guys at Georgetown Prep, where the classes had about 65 boys apiece, you are more than capable of telling the white boys apart.

Of course, if you are Ed Whelan, they look EXACTLY ALIKE and Not Brett lived in the house and he did the raping, not that Ed Whelan is accusing him of the raping! (OR IS HE?)

Whelan noted in another tweet that Not Brett was also really good friends with the creepy and tight-lipped Mark Judge, who refuses to talk to the Senate Judiciary Committee about this, and who is alleged by Dr. Blasey to have been the second drunk-ass white boy in the room when Brett Kavanaugh was trying to rape her. Whelan seems to accept that Mark Judge was at the party, so we guess in this #investigation, we are still to believe that Judge is an accomplice to an alleged attempted rape. Wonder how he feels about that.

Whelan concluded by saying he regrets he had to solve the crime like this, and he super regrets having to bring this private citizen's name into it and call him a Maybe Rapey, but, well, DIANNE FEINSTEIN MADE HIM DO IT:

Oh the humanity! Anyway, Brett's innocent now, it has been definitively proven. Pfffffft, it couldn't have been Brett Kavanaugh, who was in a secret society at Yale that people often referred to as "Tit and Clit" as well as the charming Deke fraternity (motto: "No means yes, yes means anal"). This means it was MAYBE Not Brett but maybe not, wouldn't want to libel the guy, now would you, Ed?

Now some conspiracy-minded people (REBECCA) are wondering if this was coordinated, as in, was this middle school teacher named "Not Brett" going to get paid off to take the fall, and will he be known as an attempted rapist forevermore? We'll have to see when his lawyer responds, but we doubt it. We do think it's coordinated to a degree, though, and that some of the stupidest people on the entire internet latched on to it, either because they got an email previewing this dumb-as-fuck-shit, or because they are just that fucking stupid that OF COURSE they latched on.

Here's some RED-HANDED evidence of COLLUSION between Whelan and the Senate office of Orrin Hatch, that lying throwaway from God's kingdom who is DEFINITELY not getting his own Mormon planet after all this:

Damn!

Twitchy with its NINE PAID STAFFERS (at least there used to be) treated this as the #BOMBSHELL it obviously is not:

Twitchy is a very serious website. You can tell by the font they use in headlines.

Erick Erickson stopped fucking goats long enough to tweet this:

Convicted felon Dinesh D'Souza added much-needed gravitas to Whelan's theory by cosigning it:

And noted Heaving Neckbeard Ross Douthat of the New York Times even piled on!

Either that or Ross Douthat is not aware that his good friend Ed Whelan may have suffered a tiny little psychotic break. Check on your friend, Neckbeard!

Josh Barro asked Douthat a good question, namely that if Whelan actually has the goods on how Heather told Hunter that a close reading of suburban DC floor plans on Zillow shows that there was a hallway bathroom upstairs, which is so uncommon in suburban houses as to be akin to a Bigfoot sighting, therefore (DUN DUN "LAW & ORDER" NOISES) Not Brett is the real rapist, then why was he so "careful" not to accuse the guy?

We need to have a discussion about how incredibly stupid people are allowed to have successful legal careers, as long as they're willing to go the "conservative hack" route, but we're not having it right now.

Anyway, clearly, the paint-huffing crowd is pretty much certain it has found the #RealTruth, and when Christine Blasey Ford says, "Nah, I remember Not Brett, and he didn't try to rape me," then she is obviously just "mixed up" again, right, Orrin Hatch? We're pretty sure she knows who drunkenly put his hand over her mouth to muffle her screaming while he tried to rape her.

And oh would you LOOKIE HERE:

Ford dismissed Whelan's theory in a statement late Thursday: "I knew them both, and socialized with" them, Ford said, adding that she had once visited the other classmate in the hospital. "There is zero chance that I would confuse them."

As for the coordination, though, we don't think there's a conspiracy to pay off Chris to become a rapist in the eyes of the public in order that Brett Kavanaugh may become the man to destroy Roe v. Wade and install Donald Trump as president for life. We think it's much simpler and much dumber than that, and that Josh Marshall nailed it.

Exactly. Ed Whelan thought he FIGGERED IT. He was probably awake for 48 hours straight on a bath salts binge (allegedly!) and, thinking himself to be some sort of poor man's Carrie Mathison, he put pictures all over his walls and stared at them until BING BONG! MYSTERY SOLVED! FOUND THE RAPIST! ALLEGEDLY!

And he probably thought a real news organization was going to be like "By George, we think he's got it!" He probably was sending shit out like "Politico, forthwith I render unto thee A SCOOP! Thither lies the truth!" But all the news organizations (except Kathleen Parker maybe; Rebecca asked her on Twitter but weird, she didn't respond) gave him were some nervous laughs and a few referrals to DC-area neurologists.

Until Fox & Friends this morning, because of course.


Oh what a fucking world we live in.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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