We Found Them! We Found The 17 Stupidest States!

Trump

John Eastman, Trump's new worst lawyer ever

Time for an update on the very stupidest KRAKEN LAWSUIT, in which indicted Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton seeks to ask the Supreme Court permission to sue these four swing states -- Georgia, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania -- for voting for Joe Biden, and thereby steal the election for Donald Trump. He's not suing any state that doesn't have a GOP-controlled legislature, that would be silly. He's also not suing any state that voted for Trump, as all their elections were white enough for him, we guess. Paxton's suit says that because [reasons], the voters of Texas got disenfranchised by states that changed their voting rules to make it easier to vote in a pandemic. This was very unfair to the voters of Texas, again, because [reasons].

Anyway, this is the lawsuit Trump thinks is the best lawsuit, which makes sense because it is the dumbest one and he is the dumbest one. And he has a new dumbest lawyer, who has officially intervened in the lawsuit on his behalf. His name is John Eastman, and we'll tell you more about him in a sec.

Trump spent Wednesday jizzing his ill-fitting pants over this very legal and very cool lawsuit, saying this is the one, baby, the one that's going to overturn the entire Constitution and the 2020 election and magically decide he is dictator-for-life. Know why? Because ALL CRITERIA MET, OK?

Yeah, no, OK, LOL, sad.

But anyway, The Hill reports that Trump has OFFISHUL intervened in Texas's filing begging the Supreme Court for permission to sue the four swing states for illegally refusing to grant Trump another term. Because there was fraud? Haha, no. Tell us, new dumbest Trump lawyer John Eastman, moron homophobe leader of the National Organization for Marriage — yes, that NOM — whose name is on Trump's latest filing, we guess because all Trump's other lawyers got rabies the clap COVID-19.


[Eastman] wrote that "it is not necessary for the Plaintiff in Intervention to prove that fraud occurred, however; it is only necessary to demonstrate that the elections in the defendant States materially deviated from the 'manner' of choosing electors established by their respective state Legislatures."

Cool story. If his name sounds familiar, Eastman is also the horribly stupid person who wrote that Newsweek op-ed earlier this year about how ACSHULLY Kamala Harris is not eligible to serve as veep, because [racist birtherism]. The point is, we didn't think Trump could find even shittier lawyers. But apparently he can! Hashtag Best People!

The Hill tells us more funny things about Eastman's motion, which we do not plan to read for ourselves:

The case cites at times inaccurate evidence to question the election result, such as the claim that no candidate has won both Florida and Ohio, as Trump did, and lost the presidential election. Richard Nixon won both states but lost the race in 1960.

Jesus Christ, that's literally a tweet Trump sent yesterday, as if some kind of Chuck-Todd-ing about historical bellwether states counts as "evidence." And of course it turns out it's not even true.

Also not counting as "evidence":

The president's motion to intervene cites a Rasmussen poll that found 47 percent of Americans — mostly Republicans — believe the election was stolen.

And for our next exhibit, we plan to prove that most Republicans are very, very, very dumb!

In related news, the 17 (other) dumbest AGs in the country have joined Paxton in his dumbass crusade, filing friend of the court briefs to say yes, they, also too, have been terribly disenfranchised by all these Black people voting [reasons]. Surprise, they are all Republican AGs, and all are from states Trump won, because in these people's small brains, Trump winning is the only legitimate outcome for an election. Because they're white supremacists, and also fascists.

The states are: Missouri, Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Indiana, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, and West Virginia.

You know, in case you were wondering which states should be electric-fenced with signs what say "Camp Moron" to warn wayward motorists.

CNBC quotes Maryland Democratic AG Brian Frosh, who for some reason does not feel disenfranchised right now:

"The suit is a cesspool of disproved charges, wild speculation, insupportable arguments and silly gibberish," Frosh tweeted.

Oh. That's on top of all the very not nice things AGs in the states Paxton wants to sue said about Paxton and his dumbfaced lawsuit, including Katie Byrd, spokesperson for the Republican AG of Georgia, who said, "With all due respect, the Texas Attorney General is constitutionally, legally and factually wrong about Georgia." Next time, Katie Byrd, just say "LOL Ken Paxton, WHAT A CLOWNFUCK" and be done with it.

Speaking of the Republican AG of Georgia, Chris Carr, late-breaking news from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution says Donald Trump, who is even more pathetic than he is fascist, actually called Carr last night, HEREBY ORDERING him "not to rally other Republican officials against" the very stupid lawsuit. You see, Trump had heard Carr thought his very stupid lawsuit was very stupid and was "furious" about it, according to sources, and thereby had to HEREBY ORDER Carr to please do what Dear Leader says. The Atlanta paper says the call happened "at the urging of [Senator] David Perdue," because Perdue was also very upset the Georgia AG wasn't going along with Trump's Fascism For Dummies plan.

The fact that the call has already leaked to the news tells us something about how impressed the Georgia AG's office was with that call.

All this comes after Trump lost one million more lawsuits this week, including in Pennsylvania, where the Supreme Court told Pennsylvania Republicans to GO EAT A FUCK, PIGFUCKS, by which we mean they "refused to grant an emergency injunction in the suit filed by Pennsylvania Republicans alleging that the mail-in ballot law which they themselves enacted and used for two elections was somehow UNLEGAL." (At least that is how Wonkette's Liz Dye put it!)

But again, those cases Trump lost weren't THE REAL case. Those were just the opening act for the REAL case, which is THIS case. And Trump's dumbfuck OTHER LAWYERS were just the warm-up act for his REAL lawyer, who is this dumb racist stupid homophobe birther idiot.

You betcha.

[The Hill / CNBC]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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