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California's new governor, former San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom, got himself inaugurated on Monday. While Newsom was assailing Donald Trump's awfulness during his speech, his two-year-old son Dutch toddled out on stage clutching his blankie so he could be a sleepy little wiggle-worm and the object of many d'awwws. Scene-stealing tots are the best! And then this morning the governor had to deal with a far less congenial toddler who thinks California can rake its way out of wildfires.


Let's get the bigger baby out of the way first. The "president" of the United States has decided that to teach California to stop letting itself catch on fire, he's absolutely going to stop helping anyone in California rebuild after those dumb fires it could avoid with a lot more heavy logging.

Also, Trump would really like to see California do a better job of managing some guy named Forrest, who is apparently quite the firebug. (Trump fairly quickly deleted the tweet and replaced it with one that was spelled correctly but still featured the unnecessary Trumpian capitalization.)

Newsom got on the Twitter to have a little conversation with the Great Mind about how government and emergency management works. Like, mostly not over social media, for starters, you dipshit.

OH YEAH? Partisan bickering is what Trump likes a lot more than government stuff, which is boring, so eat it and start vacuuming the forests, you! Also, if you want to get all technical about it, one of Newsom's first acts as governor was to propose $305 million in new state funding for fire preparedness, including upgrades to firefighting aircraft, more back-country fire trucks, and improved systems for warning people to get the hell out -- especially to help seniors evacuate. And yes, President Gump, the funding would also include hiring five additional teams for the California Conservation Corps, who would be set to work thinning underbrush and creating firebreaks in forests, Jesus, Mr. "President," you goddamn tool.

Oh yeah, and as we've noted before, the devastating fire that wiped out Paradise wasn't in an overgrown area, you dick. Increased logging wouldn't have done a goddamn thing to prevent it because drought and global warming and "urban-wildland interface," you lying fuck.

And now reporters are trying to find out whether Trump really has ordered FEMA to withhold disaster relief. It seems legally dubious, since there's no spite clause in disaster funding, but courts have yet to rule on the "until they get their act together" standard. The Washington Post tried emailing FEMA, but of course got only an autoreply explaining "Due to the federal funding hiatus, we are not able to respond to general press queries."

Thank Crom Gov. Newsom has a freaking adorable babby who wandered onstage to see his daddy, because it was Bring Your Kids To Inauguration day. Here, enjoy some video, and if you think the BBC's added Bassoon Bass Clarinet* of Cuteness is a bit much, we say respect the traditions:

*Correction: Bass clarinet, not bassoon, and thank you woodwind nerds!

As Politico notes, Dutch's arrival onstage came at a convenient moment in the speech, as Newsom contrasted his goals with the Trump agenda.

[Newsom said,] "we will offer an alternative to the corruption and incompetence in the White House. Our government will be progressive, principled and always on the side of the people."

But then Dutch scrambled onto the stage.

"This is exactly how this was scripted," Newsom himself said with a smile.

Newsom made the most of it, at least while Dutch held still for being held, still:

"All kids — not just the children of a governor and a filmmaker — should have a good life in California,'' he said. "Not ripped away from their parents at the border. … Not left hungry while politicians seek to pour billions into a wall that should never be built."

No, Dutch would not be lured offstage by mom or an older brother, so what the hell -- the kid had the audience and his blanket in his hands, so Newsom just let him toddle around the stage while he finished the speech, gaining some killer B-roll for the future. Pundits agreed it was some of the best optics for Newsom since Yr Editrix made pretty face at him at some Dem event in Orange County lost to time. (Rebecca made me add this because DAMN YOUNG LADY.)

Also, in overnight polling we just made up, 80 percent of Americans said they trust Dutch Newsom's judgment on domestic politics and who deserves uppy-up-hug over Donald Trump's.

[Mercury-News / WaPo / Politico / BBC on YouTube]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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