New Children's Book Explains Why Heather's Two Mommies Will Burn Forever In Hell
OK, so much for that "nice time" crap. Here's a happy little children's book to "sensitively" explain to children, "with love and compassion," why God gets really, really worked up about whose genitals are allowed to touch, and why such limited touching must only happen inside a heterosexual marriage. It must be an excellent book, because it is endorsed by the American Patriarchy Association -- which we suppose explains why, in defiance of American idiom, the book's title has "Dad and Mom," instead of "Mom and Dad" the way virtually everyone says it.
The publisher's description of this awful turd of a book sums up its purpose:
This picture book for young children presents the traditional, Judeo-Christian view of the family in picture-book format. In school, young Michael learns that God made men to be fathers and women to be mothers. After school, his father takes him to the zoo, where he learns that animal families consist of a male, a female, and their offspring.
Obviously, Michael's dad takes him to a decent Christian zoo that has euthanized all its gay penguins, as God intended.
(Seriously, we had no idea that there were so many gay penguin parents out there... in addition to the famous "And Tango Makes Three" penguins at the Central Park Zoo, it looks like there have been same-sex adoptive penguins in zoos in Spain, Denmark, and Germany as well -- or so the gays and Germans would have us believe.)
Anyhoo, seeing all these heterosexual (and almost certainly Protestant) zoo animals raises a question for young Michael. A COUPLE of questions, actually, although the second one doesn't strike us as something that would naturally spring to mind after a trip to the zoo, but sure, kids are weird:
Upon observing these phenomena, Michael asks his father two questions:
1. Why does his friend have two fathers?
2. Am I adopted?
We'll take that last one first, since the catalogue description takes pains to note that Michael's dad "lets him know that he is adopted and that he and his mother love him very much."
You see, while the text of the book doesn't really say anything about it, Michael's mom and dad -- pardon us, DAD and mom -- are a post-Loving v. Virginia couple, which we're going to read as a ploy to head off any unfortunate comparisons between Christians who opposed interracial marriage and Christians who oppose same-sex marriage. Look, you freaking liberals, Michael's
mom and dad and mom are an interracial couple, so they CAN'T be bigots! Besides, it's been like forever since a majority of people anywhere opposed interracial marriage.
And here's how Michael's black-but-not-procreative dad "compassionately" explains Michael's friend's hellbound dads who are an abomination to both God and nature (at least as nature is seen in the book's carefully managed zoo):
See? Very nice and kind and loving and compassionate, and doesn't even say "degenerate," at least not directly. "This timely book will help children to understand God’s plan for the family." Which is that some families are good, and some are going straight to hell.
We also see Michael getting the God's Honest Truth pounded into him at school, which we are hoping is a private school or we are calling the ACLU on Ms. Kenzie's ass. ("Ms." Kenzie? This book is full of radical feminism and may alienate part of its potential audience, don't you think?)
And isn't it nice of Michael to sit next to the boy with cancer like that? He is a good adopted boy (even if Joe Biden won't send him a letter saying so), and we hope he is already saving up for the therapy he is eventually going to need after being exposed to all that hatred of gay people.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.