New Dow Record! Prepare For Poverty

I'm going where there's no depression, To a better land that's free from care - WonketteHooray, it's a new record for the Dow! Happy days are here again! The TV news idiots are high-fiveing and congratulating each other on this exciting market news.

Too bad the New Great Depression is about to strike! There's an October Surprise sure to please everyone.

We'll tell you what today has in common with September 3, 1929, August 17, 1987 and March 10, 2000, after the jump.

* September 3, 1929: The Dow reaches a record high of 381.17, just seven weeks before Black Friday began nearly 20 years of poverty and horror to America.

* August 17, 1987: Another record high, 2700.57, two months before the October 19 crash that wiped out 23% of the Dow's value and ensured a single term for Bush 41.

* March 10, 2000: The NASDAQ hits a record 5132.52, beginning a long and devastating bloodletting that would only reach bottom in October 2002, when the technology index sank to 1,108.49 -- a 78.4% decline in 18 months.

In other words, dramatic record highs are often a good indication that something's about to give.

Gloomy analysts -- not the ones on CNBC, obviously -- say we're already in a recession that's going to rapidly get worse this winter as millions of people lose their homes to foreclosure and many millions more lose their jobs in housing-cash-dependent industries -- everything from realtors and construction to hospitality and retail.

Campaigns are encouraged to develop new slogans for the midterms, such as "George Allen Will Pay Your Adjustable Mortgage" and "Jim Webb Will Help You Find Food."

History of U.S. Stock Market Crashes [Market Volume]

Dow hits all-time high [Reuters]

Dow: Welcome to record land [CNN Money]

"There's no bubble" [Larry Kudlow]

U.S. slowdown raises chances of recession [IHT]


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