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Oh just fling it into the sun or something.


Well, folks, the deed has been done. The last remaining monument to the Confederate War-Losers Of America in New Orleans has been decapitated, LOLed at, and launched into the sea, where it belongs. (Just kidding, it is in a warehouse with the other three sad loser monuments that had already been removed, until they can figure out what to do with that nasty shit.) It was of the failing Robert E. Lee, a man who never set foot in New Orleans (CORRECTION: Yes he did!), and with that old fucker's removal, thus closes a chapter in the city's history. Hopefully now all the Confederate protesters who have been crying about this since the New Orleans City Council voted for the monuments' removal can go back home and cry about how a nice city they don't live in just murdered their beloved "heritage." (Did you know the people who have been protesting the removal of the monuments don't even live in NOLA for the most part? They live in towns in Mississippi and Arkansas that are probably called "Cow Farts" or "Sheep Romance.")

To mark the occasion, New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu spoke Friday at the city's Gallier Hall, and oh what a truly nice speech it was! He laid out a vision for the future that faces up to the awful legacy of slavery and commits to ALL New Orleanians joining together to grow and become better TOGETHER because of it. He also verbally dick-slapped Confederate dead-enders in the face, explaining that these idiots crying about their "heritage" are actually advancing a version of history that is 100% bona fide FAKE NEWS.

We will do a YouTube video to you, so you can watch it, and share a few BIG LONG QUOTES at you, as lovingly transcribed by The Pulse:

Landrieu talked about how beautifully rich and diverse New Orleans's past and present are, something you may know something about if you have spent time in the city (as yr Wonkette does several times a year):

It is a history that holds in its heart the stories of Native Americans: the Choctaw, Houma Nation, the Chitimacha. Of Hernando de Soto, Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle, the Acadians, the Islenos, the enslaved people from Senegambia, Free People of Color, the Haitians, the Germans, both the empires of France and Spain. The Italians, the Irish, the Cubans, the south and central Americans, the Vietnamese and so many more.

You see: New Orleans is truly a city of many nations, a melting pot, a bubbling cauldron of many cultures. [...]

We radiate beauty and grace in our food, in our music, in our architecture, in our joy of life, in our celebration of death; in everything that we do. We gave the world this funky thing called jazz; the most uniquely American art form that is developed across the ages from different cultures.

Think about second lines, think about Mardi Gras, think about muffaletta, think about the Saints, gumbo, red beans and rice. By God, just think. All we hold dear is created by throwing everything in the pot; creating, producing something better; everything a product of our historic diversity.

We are proof that out of many we are one — and better for it! Out of many we are one — and we really do love it!

Against that backdrop, Landrieu also talked about the REAL history Confederate losers are trying to hang on to:

But there are also other truths about our city that we must confront. New Orleans was America’s largest slave market: a port where hundreds of thousands of souls were brought, sold and shipped up the Mississippi River to lives of forced labor, of misery, of rape, of torture.

America was the place where nearly 4,000 of our fellow citizens were lynched, 540 alone in Louisiana; where the courts enshrined ‘separate but equal’; where Freedom riders coming to New Orleans were beaten to a bloody pulp.

So when people say to me that the monuments in question are history, well what I just described is real history as well, and it is the searing truth.

And it immediately begs the questions: Why there are no slave ship monuments, no prominent markers on public land to remember the lynchings or the slave blocks; nothing to remember this long chapter of our lives; the pain, the sacrifice, the shame … all of it happening on the soil of New Orleans.

So for those self-appointed defenders of history and the monuments, they are eerily silent on what amounts to this historical malfeasance, a lie by omission.

There is a difference between remembrance of history and reverence of it.

Landrieu's point is that if these racist fuckers really want to talk about history, or want to lob the accusation that, by removing Confederate monuments, people are somehow "erasing" their history, then COME AT HIM BRO, and please let's talk about ALL the history. Let's talk about how those monuments, far from commemorating true things that happened, were part of an effort by loser white Confederates (the ones who lost the war to preserve the institution of slavery, because they were bad at war) to create a FAKE NEWS! version of history, one where the Confederacy was a noble thing that deserves to be remembered affectionately:

The historic record is clear: the Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and P.G.T. Beauregard statues were not erected just to honor these men, but as part of the movement which became known as The Cult of the Lost Cause. This ‘cult’ had one goal — through monuments and through other means — to rewrite history to hide the truth, which is that the Confederacy was on the wrong side of humanity. [...]

It is self-evident that these men did not fight for the United States of America, They fought against it. They may have been warriors, but in this cause they were not patriots.

AND ALSO THEY SHOULD STAY DEAD.

Just in case you are still worried that New Orleans is "erasing history," Landrieu would like to reiterate that you are a moron:

We have not erased history; we are becoming part of the city’s history by righting the wrong image these monuments represent and crafting a better, more complete future for all our children and for future generations.

And unlike when these Confederate monuments were first erected as symbols of white supremacy, we now have a chance to create not only new symbols, but to do it together, as one people. [...]

Instead of revering a 4-year brief historical aberration that was called the Confederacy, we can celebrate all 300 years of our rich, diverse history as a place named New Orleans and set the tone for the next 300 years. [...]

The Confederacy was on the wrong side of history and humanity. It sought to tear apart our nation and subjugate our fellow Americans to slavery. This is the history we should never forget and one that we should never again put on a pedestal to be revered.

Get it? We will NEVER FORGET the real history of what happened, but we will stop paying our respects to the villains of that history, because that has no place in New Orleans.

As we said, Landrieu's entire address was lovely, and you should watch it, or at least read the full transcript.

If Landrieu stomping on those Confederate assholes' faces isn't enough to make you happy, read this story about a bumfuck yokel Mississippi state representative named Karl Oliver, who is VERY UPSET that New Orleans has pulled a "Nazi" by removing these monuments, and says everybody who did this should be "LYNCHED!"

Weird how that one-man basket of deplorables used the word "LYNCHED!" Just kidding no it isn't:

Anyway, that douche is really sad today and all the New Orleans monuments are down, and this concludes a Monday morning post that is actually ... GOOD NEWS?

Yep, it sure is.

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[The Pulse / WJTV]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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