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New Pope Already Pissing Off The Santorum Wing Of The Catholic Church

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How is New Pope being different from Old Pope today? Well, a) he is neither a vampire nor a nazi. B) He's refusing to live in the papal palace or wear the ruby slippers or have his chair above anybody else's chair or even refer to himself as "pope." And c) he is already pissing off the "traditionalists" in the Church who are stroking out because when he went to a youth prison on Holy Thursday to wash the feet of the poor (instead of washingpriests' feet in the basilica, like a normal pope), he washed girl feet. (And Muslim feet.)


NEW POPE!!!!

So, for many of our commenters, we are going to have to explain this again: Not all Catholics are fucking assholes.

Oh, that did not explain it enough? Ok. There is a wing of the Church that is filled with lefties who actually serve the poor instead of determining that gay-bashing was Jesus's No. 1 bestness most funtimes favorite thing to do while he is seated at the right hand of the father. We call this the "Catholic Worker" wing of the Church, or the "Dorothy Day" wing of the Church, or "pretty much most nuns," which is why Ratzinger was always yelling at them.

(Because he is a dick.) (Also a Nazi.)

Now, is New Pope great on gay stuff? NOT REALLY. He called gay marriage the path of Satan or something. (Sorry, gays, that probably does not feel nice!) But, when his native Argentina was facing gay marriage, he was pragmatic enough to embrace civil unions as an alternative. This put him a couple years ahead of Colorado, and still ahead of more than half of our United States.

What about the Dirty War in Argentina? WE DON'T KNOW! According to his own account, he was working behind the scenes to get priests released from the junta's torture chambers. Maybe as a young man he was not saintly enough to risk himself! According to the Nobel Prize winner who exposed the junta to the world, he was cool. But according to this other investigative reporter, he was not!

Wish we could be more helpful on that.

But there are more than a billion people who belong to the Church. Simply saying it's evil, or a crime syndicate, or glowering about whatever it is you Terrible Ones have been glowering about, doesn't take into account how many people want to fix it -- how many people in the Church want the Church to ordain women, to stop with the birth control nonsense, to stop with the anti-gay cruelty, to stop shuffling priests around because priestly prerogatives are more important than children. Remember going to Europe during the reign of Bush fils? Did people yell at you? Were you like, wait a minute, WASN'T ME! Even the Dixie Chicks were like wait a minute wasn't me. And now they are dead. But guess what? Now you can go to Europe again, and people will just tell you America's so great hip hip hooray Obama fuck yeah!

So. The Church is a gigantic institution filled with many asshole old men and Rick Santorum. Change comes slow to it. It took them like 500 years to apologize to Galileo. But that change can be worse (anointing Pope Nazi), or it can be better (liberalizing and modernizing the Church, like Best Pope John XXIII, and -- we think and hope! -- New Pope).

Sniffing that there's no difference between New Pope and Nazi Pope is like sniffing that there's no difference between Bush and Gore, because Al Gore isn't Ralph Nader.

Honestly, when some of you talk about the Catholic Church, you sound like Pam Gellar talking about Muslins.

You sound like bigots.

And it makes us sad.

Anyway, some traditionalists are really mad because New Pope washed stinky icky girl feet, when the Holy Thursday tradition is to wash priest feet, because "apostles" and "the apostles were men."

Maybe that is not a sign that New Pope wants to ordain women tomorrow -- a couple of years ago, he said Jesus was a man, so priests men arglebargle.

But we sure like seeing them all verklempt.

[TPM]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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